The Blender (2 IMAGES)

 Warning!  Contains strong emotional content!
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How do I make heads or tails of, much less order, to the trillions of memory snips and snaps that tumble unceasingly round and round in my head? How do I bring Balance to such diversity, such madness, such bleak and black mixed in with bright and light all racing at such maddening ferocity that I could just scream and not stop?  How do I make my brain stop the kaleidoscope of insanity wreaking havoc inside of me?  How do I get past this major collapse of what I have known as my life?

The story is so vast so complex so convoluted that I don’t even know where to begin or even how to put into perspective the Truth of the story without getting it all mixed up.  How do I allow the unleashing of the torrent within me without anyone labeling me crazy or broken or she’s so far gone?  Where do I find a safe place to begin my story of betrayal and of Love, of abuse and of caring, of not mattering to becoming important and then back to not mattering again, … to bring into full awareness the scope and the magnitude of what my experience has been with the woman known as my Mother?

Could it be I’ve arrived at my breaking point, my tipping point, where I just cannot put myself back together again always to remain in this hellish torture of plaguing memories that bring such great depth of pain where I prefer death rather then that pain?

Too much too fast happened.  On August 1st I was told my Mother had 6 months, if that to live, and on that very same day within a half an hour I found out my first true best friend had died of a massive heart attack.  Back to back garganguous news which left me doubled over, collapsing against a wall, then sliding falling to my knees, unable to speak to breathe to anything until SCREAM.  The vise tightened around my Heart threatened to crush beat to a pulp without mercy until that scream erupted.  Two off the scale shocks leaving me to this day still somewhat in shock.  And then 31 days from the “6 months left to live”, my Mother is dead.

Despite my own turmoil and breaking Heart, I continued to call my Mom every morning after hearing the news, pushing my sobs aside for her only for her.  I heard her breathing rapidly deteriorate in a mere blink of an eye, and in my ear a rasping harsh gasping I heard of someone I Love struggling to gain breath in order to talk.  Each day I heard more decline until I dreaded even calling her just to have that horrid jagged ragged breath going straight into my ear, piercing my Heart.  I tried really tried to get in all the words I wanted said before I lost her.  I never did succeed.  Time was the enemy and with each passing day our conversations became shorter briefer harder, until the day arrived no more.

I had known in my Heart that the 6 month to live verdict was inaccurate.  I heard death in her voice.  And sure enough the 6 months in a matter of weeks dwindled to less then two weeks bringing her end 8 days after the less then two weeks verdict.  No wonder I’m spinning!

My wounds go so deep and many are permanent yet in forging a “new way” these past 1-score* and 13 years, transmuting the dysfunction that I inherited into Love, I have come a very long way.  Yet, and this I say with utter frankness, that dysfunction and all those emotions associated with it have come rip roaring back to life in my head upon my Mother’s last breath.  Thoughts, memories, emotions I thought had been put to rest have uprooted themselves as the boulder setting on them crudely rudely without any notice has been shoved over by a Massive Unseen Force, hurling me into sensory overload.  I have never experienced such total madness and chaos that comes complete with daggers and swords and let’s not forget the poison.

So I “do” to heal me.  I have called Hospice to begin therapy which I hope will benefit me.  Now in the past traditional therapy did not work but I am pushing that aside and trying again.  I won’t know until at least I try.  I also write and, friends, if you don’t wish to read my words that are truly painful at times to read, you will not hurt my feelings if you select not to read what I publish.  This is my release and my Healing Journey and believe me this is the first time I am writing like this and not burning what I write.  This is my courageous invite for you to witness the deepest recesses of my Soul.

There is also the closing up of my gardens which has arrived so I will be very involved with them.  And of course my biking, hiking, and photography will assist me on this Healing Journey of mine as well.  Above all else, my Divine Connection through Mother and the outreaching of all my dearly beloved friends will get me squarely back on my feet.  I couldn’t do this alone and thank Heavens I’m not!

For today this is where I stop.  I actually felt relief from the pressure within that feels as if I will explode a few hours after I wrote this.  All I know what to do is to “do” what I know that will assist me to put myself back together again because if I don’t do those things, this phase of my life has every potential of destroying me.  I repeat something I already have said.  I still have too much living to do to allow that to happen.

*20 years

Me age 11-months and Mom with brother on the way.

Photography/Digital Art/ “The Blender”/September 2017©AmyRose
http://www.herladypinkrose.wordpress.com

🦋😥🦋

 

 

 

 

89 thoughts on “The Blender (2 IMAGES)

  1. I am sure you will arrive to begin a new life even with your hard past. I had personal very sad events in my own life and the psychotherapy helped me to go on. I am sorry my English is not very good I hope you will understand. Friendly.

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  2. So saddened to hear your doubly sad news – to lose your mother and a true best friend too. Life can be so cruel. We just lost a friend recently too. She died of ovarian cancer and she was too young – just in her early fifties, and getting her life together. She had found her true love, (after a very bad previous relationship,) moved to the States to a new life of joy and then this happened. Sometimes it is hard to comprehend why? Sorry for your loss, and wishing you healing energy. Love Marje xx

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    1. It is my understanding that through our trials, through our pain, through those things that life throws at us so hard that we crumble, make us either into a shut down bitter person, or a better more loving person. I choose the latter. I will grow from this experience and I will learn how to love even more. I am truly sorry for your loss because a loss like that just hurts beyond words. Peace to you this day and much LOVE, Marje. 💖🌹💖

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      1. From your answer to Marje, it sounds like you are on your way to peace. It will come in waves and sometimes it rushes out with the tide but know the God of peace and all comfort, will walk with you and be your strength when you have nothing left.

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      2. This journey is not unfamiliar to me. I have experienced many great losses within the past 2 and 1/2 years so yes I know what to expect regarding the ups and the downs. And it does take time to find the joy, to find that peace once again and have it sustained every single day. This loss however, losing my mother, is the greatest I have yet to experience in my lifetime. I am relieved to know that I am very normal because in reading a book regarding grieving what I am experiencing is very very normal especially in the first couple of weeks after a death. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your support and your encouraging words. God bless you! 💖🌹💖

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  3. You are going to be alright and even full of fantastically wonderful joy once again after a while. Give it some time. Do what you know works. I know you will see this through. You are not this pain and sorrow. It is here to teach, perhaps, or to guide or something important. You are the shinning diamond underneath. It might be hidden at the moment. I know it is there. Your spirit knows it is there. Expressing your feelings is good. There is no fear in expressing what is genuine for you. God bless you and keep you, Amy. I will be praying for you. ❤ ❤ ❤

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    1. Sarah, your words leave me breathless for their beauty and their wisdom that is contained within them. Thank you from the bottom of my Heart! I know I am not this pain because this is a process and a process only like a deep groove being carved out in a rock to make room for more Beauty, for more LOVE, for more depth to my creativeness. I am showing Courage by showing my emotions because as a child I was punished and punished severely for expressing my emotions. Like I said in my post I have come a long way. Bless you bless you for supporting me at this incredibly difficult time of my life. Big hugs! Much LOVE!! 💖🌹💖

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  4. The photograph is beautiful Amy! I have to ask what it is exactly? And you have always looked like yourself. So cute with those curls! So many on your blog write such beautiful thoughts to you. What a wonderful group of people you have found. I will continue to send my love to you Amy. May it light upon you during the times you need it most like a butterfly in the garden of your heart 💓. Keeping you close on spirit. (((💖))) Denise

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    1. 😉 The digital art is actually a flower believe it or not. I spent a long time in Photoshop just pushing sliders to get the effect that I wanted that I thought represented how I feel inside. And thank you regarding the comment you made about my picture as a little girl. I had that look even all those years ago which I still have today. Amazing! And yes it is amazing as well to see the outpouring of love here on my blog to which I will always always cherish. Thank you for sending your LOVE which I wrap my arms around tightly holding close to my Heart. Bless you, Denise! Thank you. 💕🌻💕

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  5. I’m glad you are writing Amy, I wish I could say something of real substance, but I am so glad you are opening up to your feelings and letting them out into the light of day. Sending much love to you.

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    1. Holly, thank you so so very much for your encouragement of me. This really is taking courage on my part to publish my innermost emotions as I am doing. This was the furthest thing I was taught as a child and in fact was very punished if I exhibited my true emotions. By showing you my innermost thoughts I am breaking the pattern at least one of them, which was taught me as a child. Much Love to you today. 😚

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      1. My first thought to be truthful, Holly, was not to be a burden upon my audience. My heart contains so much pain and it is my knee-jerk reflex to protect you from that pain. I managed to overcome a lot of obstacles by pushing the publish button today. I cannot thank you enough for your feedback, for your encouragement, and for your support. I have noticed because of the intensity of my emotions how my writing has taken off and I believe it will continue to do so. 💖💖💖

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      2. And I can say the exact thing about you, Holly. Oh yes it is hard to dig deep like this but when you do the dark can no longer be hidden. I agree. It is the only way to write. All else is blah blah blah. I know all great writers pull and drink from the deep well within. How else do we honestly touch others? 👏💕👏

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  6. Your words tugged my heart painfully. Still your mind and be strong. Sorry I can only offer you words for strength. Love and be loved. Time heals…my best wishes for you to find inner peace through therapy. Garfield hugs💕💕⚘🌻🌼

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    1. Garfield, I am presently reading a book on grieving and what you just read is very normal especially in the first couple of weeks after a loss. This loss of mine is so great and my memories so overwhelming which represent extreme circumstances on either side of the spectrum that when these memories come about I do what I know what to do. I write them down and then as I close my eyes I reach out to the Divine in order for these emotions and memories to be transmitted to LOVE. Peace does come.Thank you for supporting me and I apologize that my words tugged so painfully at your heart. They are powerful words. I was taught to stuff and keep stuffing and I am refusing to stuff in order to free me. I am strong and I thank you for reminding me of that. Much Love to you today. 💕🌹💕

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      1. Take heart! You will get there..it is indeed hard but I always remind self part of living is dying and part of dying is living….I hope this makes sense. My turn will come and the grieving process will hurt like crazy.❤💚💜💛

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  7. Dearest Amy, you knew that this day would arrive and even if it is hurting terrible now, I know, that you will get through this too. This too shall pass.
    There were things, as you didn’t wish to write about before time was right and you would not hurt your mother either ❤
    You are a strong and wonderful friend and woman and I just know, that you will feel much better after a while. Sometimes we need to go through our past again, even if we feel, this already was worked out.
    I like, that you are trying with therapy again and don't give up, when you feel on the way down some days. We will be here and wait for you all the time, as you might need, dear friend.
    I send you healing and love ❤ ❤ ❤
    You know, that you are always welcome to write in private, if you feel like or need so.

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    1. Dearest Irene, regardless of knowing that the end was coming a person is just never prepared for when it does happen. Thank you so much, dear friend, for your love and for your support and for your offer to talk to me. This I will never forget and when I am up to it I will talk to you. You also brought out a very important factor that now that my mother is gone I can write the stories that need to be written. I actually have right now Family who has stepped up and has attempted to stop me from writing the stories on account of I may hurt feelings in the bio family just in case they read my work. You see my family for the most part are still sweeping underneath the rug the ugly and the truth, and they just want me to continue in that pattern. I won’t do it. I waited out of respect for both of my parents to pass on and they have. I will not bore my friends with endless endless endless Tales of Horror. No when it is appropriate I will write the stories with every intention of writing them with Love. You are a wonderful friend and I am blessed for having you in my life. Thank you from the bottom of my Heart. Much LOVE to you this day. 💖🌹💖

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      1. Maybe you should write your story and make a book out of it, when you are ready for that. Your “family” don’t need to read this book, unless they try to understand and support you, dear friend ❤ ❤ ❤

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  8. Amy so sorry to hear of what you are going through, but please keep writing or whatever you need to do. Exercise works great for me during tough times. May God bring healing and peace to you my friend.
    Back when my wife was so sick with cancer and for years after her transplant, I grieved everyday, and went through so much internally – I was a mess. I didn’t know I needed therapy but I did. I highly recommend it.

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    1. Sometimes, Nico, we must fall in order to break so that what no longer fits in our lives can be thrown away and in its place new is born. I have a very good feeling regarding this bereavement counseling offered through Hospice that I am going to start attending next week. I am the first to admit I really am a mess… Powerful emotions exploding all over the place and I for one will not stuff these emotions back down. They are meant to be seen, and dealt with, and then loved. Your words regarding your wife brought tears to my eyes yet in just knowing you through your work I have absolutely no doubt that that phase of your journey brought more depth to your soul. Peace to you this day, dear friend. Much Love. 💖🌹💖

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    1. My Intention is not to put the reader on overload, Dan. There is just so much right now but this I do know. I did find where to start and it was with this post. I am looking forward to my counseling appt. As I use every tool offered to me to work through this really difficult time. Thank YOU for your unending support. It means so much to me!! Much Love to you! 💝

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  9. Amy you must write out your heart-ache my friend, and let go of all that you have kept pent up for so long.. You know my own journey and each layer you peel away I know will help you heal completely..
    Sending Love to you my friend..
    Sue ❤

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  10. Expressing your feelings as you have done so in this blog is a way of releasing that torrent of turmoil and emotion from within, and in itself is a way to healing, Amy. It is normal, I have gone through it myself, and it does get easier over time. I now, after all these years, can still have my moments and get quite emotional, and I guess we never get over such deep loss, but learn to accomodate it into our daily lives. Keep talking, keep writing, and you will heal a little at a time. Love and Blessings to you.

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    1. Oh, Pete, how touched I am by your truth-filled words. Ever since a wee child after I learned how to write, I used to sit in my closet hidden away to write in a notebook journaling my feelings as my tears dripped down my cheek. So it seems I have been doing this all of my life and I am most comfortable here in the world of words. Yes I know this intensity will pass with time and you well know it as I do, one never gets over the sense of loss. It takes rearrangement of circumstances in life and also adding new in order to bring Balance back to the forefront instead of pain and chaos. This is not the first time I am dealing with loss but this is the most painful one thus far. I managed to laugh silly today and the only reason I know I could do so because of the release you read here today. Thank goodness my sense of humor is still there! I promise to keep on doing everything it takes to work through this grief with all the tools I have at hand. Bless you for your support of me at this most difficult phase of my life. Much Love to you this day! 💞

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      1. I am pleased you laughed so, Amy, and that your sense of humour is still there! 🙂 Sometimes this alone keeps us going. Bless you for your strength and courage, for this will see you through this most difficult time. Love and Light to you! 🙂

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    1. THANK YOU for mentioning my picture, Marissa. I still to this day have that particular look about me and like you, I really just see me only a much younger version. Thank you again for the Love at this time of my life. I cherish it!! ❤ ❤ ❤

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  11. It needs to come ‘out’ Amy, to begin the true healing…your healing. Your heart is asking you to understand that life journey with your mom and ‘let go’ what no longer has meaning in your life.
    Most certainly not an easy journey…but…each step you now take will ease the load off, and in facing it you are doing the one thing that will bring sanity back and bring your heart back open like the love you found with your mom.
    That connection was a beautiful place and felt so good to finally be in that place with her. Now its your turn, accept what your heart is asking you to do, to find your love.
    There will be parts you have not felt happy with within yourself. Resolve those and you are free and open, no longer being held by their patterns.
    Much love to you dear lady, you have now climbed a very tall mountain, each step you take now will open the vista further and further as you take in the view of your heart ❤

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    1. Some semblance of sanity has returned today, Mark, thank heavens and I know in part it had a lot to do with this huge outpouring of my Heart. I’m validating my life, something that I was taught not to do but instead was taught to hide in shame, the pain and the sorrow. This is an opportunity not only for me to grow in great strides but to also while recovering from these huge losses, to take back what was stolen from me as a child … my right to FREELY express me for who I am exactly for who I am and nothing less. I had a really good laugh today I’ll have you know. Why? I released huge portions of my inner torment here today. I thought it impossible yesterday I could even contemplate to laugh again and here today already I laughed and laughed hard. What a Blessing laugher is! Much Love back to you and I am just so grateful to you for all your in-depth comments to me during this incredibly difficult time of my life. I’ll never forget your kindness, Mark, nor how you have continually reached out to me. Thank you with all my Heart. 💝

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      1. It is my pleasure Amy, as I am also grateful in that trust you have given in opening your heart to me ❤
        It is a big journey my friend, but the beauty you are finding now in seeing the truth under it all, will create a love like no other. Your love, the one thing we all keep at bay thinking we are not worthy for the many reasons we attribute to it.
        But you are now 'feeling' the change as you release what no longer serves you as you see them for what they are, allowing the change to come upon you. You may even feel a little lost during this time, but it is only your old way of being letting go to allow what you are now creating to take its place. A beautiful place that will now have that love and happiness that we have always looked for ❤
        Big hugs kind lady, just be gentle with yourself, take all the time you need to allow you to find that truth…and take an umbrella hat in case it rains…for those re-connection walks in the forests 😀 ❤

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      2. I honestly cannot remember the last time I was fully blogging and connected to everyone. This Journey has been a long one, Mark, that started with my Mother over a year ago. Priorities were shifted and my life here on WP got bumped down a bit. Every day right now is a major effort to put one foot in front of the other and I must force myself to be active. Honestly I need a break, a total one, where I could go just to relax to get my head together … a vacation. But because of my responsibilities that will not up and disappear that is not an option. Even to have someone take my place for a few weeks that either is not an option. Daily I focus on getting my anxiety and stress levels down and keep them that way. My goal is my “flow” so I can find Peace. This will come …. I just have to cross the hot desert in order to get to the Oasis. Oh yes those reconnection walks in the forest are a MUST. XOXOXOXO

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      3. I found that if I gave myself a 30 min relaxation meditation, especially before bed, I got through my ‘event’ much, much better Amy. All I did was got comfortable, whether a chair or bed, and just slowed my breathing down then focused on my toes to relax them for 1 minute, then focused on my feet, then the ankles etc, on up the body. By the time I am finished I have released so much stress that I was holding in my body to such a degree I could actually go to sleep.
        Read my post on What Causes Anxiety Attacks! , it will explain the role the adrenal gland plays in anxiety and stress. Once you understand it you are taking back control and can function a lot better with what you are going through. Your grief is a very big factor in your bodies response and this will make it just that little bit easier to deal with it.
        And as you have said, you may be feeling very tired but those walks in nature are worth their weight in gold, they are very grounding which reduces your stress even more.
        Big hugs Amy, my heart is with you kind lady ❤

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  12. I’m sorry for your loss and hope you find all the healing you need. I appreciate how you share your experiences through your art and words and hope you continue to do that. Sending love and blessings.

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    1. Catherine, thank you for the encouragement for me to keep showing everyone my Heart. It’s not easy to do and at times I am concerned it is too much for you to handle. I receive your Love and Blessings and I really thank you for them. Much Love to you! 💝

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  13. Spoken from the heart AR…I can so relate to your turmoil and anguish. Been there myself as of late. But somehow we just keep moving forward do we not? It’s in our souls to make the most out of what we’ve got. I can’t help but think being outside will be your biggest healer, for it is where you seem to blossom most. Let it speak to you and soothe you and it shall help you heal.Let your photographs tell the tale of what is your heart and mind, let the photos scream out your pain and let it’s beauty fill you back up with hope….Sending you love and thoughts…VK ❤

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    1. Thank you, VK, for your kind and Loving support. Yes the outdoors is a big Healer for me and that is exactly what I have been doing for the most part except for the days I must rest. Gardens, forests, bike riding, and of course my camera are all assisting me to transmute this all consuming pain to Peace and to Love. My images always speak of my Heart for my energy is connected to everything I do. Much Love to you this day. 💝

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  14. All anyone can do is encourage you to do what you think you must. We all deal with these things in our own way and no one knows the way for anyone else. Advice is always misplaced, no matter how well intended because it’s coming from someone outside of you and that person doesn’t understand the way you feel or think, even if they think they do. All I know is that you always have to be true to yourself, no matter what that means to you. That is the only thing that will ever matter. There is no right or wrong, there’s only your own way. Find your path and stay on it. You can change your mind as many times as you like. It’s your experience and you are finding your way alone, even with the support of everyone around you. Love and best wishes as you find yourself.

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    1. Gigi, I am doing this my way, the only way I do know. I’m listening to my Heart as how to best proceed and even then I have doubts. This is the hardest loss I have yet to experience which has totally put me in a huge nose dive. But of course you of anyone know the pain of all this of what I am now experiencing. Thank YOU for your encouraging words and your support. Bless you from the bottom of my Heart. 💖

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  15. Bless you! It’s a hard, hard road, but you will make it through. I can tell that you are a strong person, even if you don’t feel strong right now, and you will make it through. Three years ago the doctors gave my mother 3 to 6 months to live, and she died within less than a week. I was with her when she took her last breath. Then, all of the memories of my very unhappy childhood and mistreatment came flooding back. I couldn’t deal with it or with the people who thought I was a “hard-hearted Hannah” because I didn’t grieve as they thought I should. I went to counselling. I read books. I talked to friends. I found out the deeply-held secrets of my mother’s own past. I’ve dealt with it in my own way and finally am somewhat at peace. I pray that you will work your way through this. Be patient with yourself and know that others are thinking of you at this time.

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    1. Hannah, what you have put into words is something that is right now occurring to me. What is so complex is trying to put the pieces together of the woman I knew as a child and all the abuse that occurred, and the woman I grew to Love in her last years. I’m dealing with all of this in my way, the only way I know of. I’ve had many losses in my life up to now so yes I do know what to do but this is the most traumatic of those losses. Thank you from the bottom of my Heart for reaching out to me during this most difficult time of my life. My Mother went to her grave with her secrets and my bio family has the philosophy of Silence and sweep the ugly under the rug. I do not have much hope of ever finding out the true why behind the life of my Mother. Unfortunately for these people, secrets kill. Thank you for you kindness, Hannah. Much Love to you! 💝

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  16. Many, many blessings are coming your way Amy! Sounds like you are giving your self and feelings space to be expressed! It’s interesting how life puts on journeys to dive deeper into love!! Sending much love and hugs your way my friend!!! ❤️❤️❤️

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  17. Wow, what an incredible post. I’m so sorry for all you are going through and I hope that your writing will also help guide and heal you. It is intensely passionate and truly looks like you’re sharing your soul. My best wishes and thoughts are with you as always, Amy. ⚘

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  18. It is difficult when dealing with layers of recovery. Sometimes it takes awhile to find the starting point, so etimes it is just the sifting which provides healing. Much love Amy, as always.

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  19. What a wonderful beginning you are making here, Amy. It took me 70 years to reach this point in my own life. I hope the Hospice therapy will help, especially since I worked for our Hospice at one time. They have the best people to be found, and take it from me, none of it is done for the money — or in the case of Hospice workers, lack thereof. Not sure anyone has made it out of poverty level there, but when you consider the LOVE involved, it is wealth beyond measure!
    WOW! You conquered that hill! What an accomplishment at this point! It is only the first of all the mountains and valleys that will try to stop you,, but I happen to know that you are unstoppable! Never label yourself. You are too good to wear a label, so forget that urge. You are a unique, beautiful, slightly broken but never conquered person with a few possible wounded wings, but you will come out of this intact, and even stronger for the battle you are waging now. I wish I could tell you it will be easy, but we both know better, so I can only tell you that you are never alone! Your angels are perched around you, some on your shoulder and some at your back, holding you up and ready to cushion the impact if you fall occasionally. Don’t be afraid of falling; some of my best adventures came on my way down to the floor. My best advice there would be the words of my son “be sure you always hit your head because that’s the hardest part of your body!” Little brat, but he sure has it right in my case. You will come out of this, broken wings and all, strong and intact and ready for the next challenge when it comes, as they always do. 3141259. You have the prefix to go with that number. Hesitant about putting it here, but I think you understand. Love you, Sweet Angel Amy! ❤

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  20. Such news would floor anyone, and make days seem like decades, just trying to survive and understand life. But with you, I can see how you take these events to help build you a strong “you” and it is very admirable and inspirational. Wishing you the very best as this emotional and tough summer ends, and brings you into a new season of possibilities.

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