Warning! Contains strong emotional content!
How do I make heads or tails of, much less order, to the trillions of memory snips and snaps that tumble unceasingly round and round in my head? How do I bring Balance to such diversity, such madness, such bleak and black mixed in with bright and light all racing at such maddening ferocity that I could just scream and not stop? How do I make my brain stop the kaleidoscope of insanity wreaking havoc inside of me? How do I get past this major collapse of what I have known as my life?
The story is so vast so complex so convoluted that I don’t even know where to begin or even how to put into perspective the Truth of the story without getting it all mixed up. How do I allow the unleashing of the torrent within me without anyone labeling me crazy or broken or she’s so far gone? Where do I find a safe place to begin my story of betrayal and of Love, of abuse and of caring, of not mattering to becoming important and then back to not mattering again, … to bring into full awareness the scope and the magnitude of what my experience has been with the woman known as my Mother?
Could it be I’ve arrived at my breaking point, my tipping point, where I just cannot put myself back together again always to remain in this hellish torture of plaguing memories that bring such great depth of pain where I prefer death rather then that pain?
Too much too fast happened. On August 1st I was told my Mother had 6 months, if that to live, and on that very same day within a half an hour I found out my first true best friend had died of a massive heart attack. Back to back garganguous news which left me doubled over, collapsing against a wall, then sliding falling to my knees, unable to speak to breathe to anything until SCREAM. The vise tightened around my Heart threatened to crush beat to a pulp without mercy until that scream erupted. Two off the scale shocks leaving me to this day still somewhat in shock. And then 31 days from the “6 months left to live”, my Mother is dead.
Despite my own turmoil and breaking Heart, I continued to call my Mom every morning after hearing the news, pushing my sobs aside for her only for her. I heard her breathing rapidly deteriorate in a mere blink of an eye, and in my ear a rasping harsh gasping I heard of someone I Love struggling to gain breath in order to talk. Each day I heard more decline until I dreaded even calling her just to have that horrid jagged ragged breath going straight into my ear, piercing my Heart. I tried really tried to get in all the words I wanted said before I lost her. I never did succeed. Time was the enemy and with each passing day our conversations became shorter briefer harder, until the day arrived no more.
I had known in my Heart that the 6 month to live verdict was inaccurate. I heard death in her voice. And sure enough the 6 months in a matter of weeks dwindled to less then two weeks bringing her end 8 days after the less then two weeks verdict. No wonder I’m spinning!
My wounds go so deep and many are permanent yet in forging a “new way” these past 1-score* and 13 years, transmuting the dysfunction that I inherited into Love, I have come a very long way. Yet, and this I say with utter frankness, that dysfunction and all those emotions associated with it have come rip roaring back to life in my head upon my Mother’s last breath. Thoughts, memories, emotions I thought had been put to rest have uprooted themselves as the boulder setting on them crudely rudely without any notice has been shoved over by a Massive Unseen Force, hurling me into sensory overload. I have never experienced such total madness and chaos that comes complete with daggers and swords and let’s not forget the poison.
So I “do” to heal me. I have called Hospice to begin therapy which I hope will benefit me. Now in the past traditional therapy did not work but I am pushing that aside and trying again. I won’t know until at least I try. I also write and, friends, if you don’t wish to read my words that are truly painful at times to read, you will not hurt my feelings if you select not to read what I publish. This is my release and my Healing Journey and believe me this is the first time I am writing like this and not burning what I write. This is my courageous invite for you to witness the deepest recesses of my Soul.
There is also the closing up of my gardens which has arrived so I will be very involved with them. And of course my biking, hiking, and photography will assist me on this Healing Journey of mine as well. Above all else, my Divine Connection through Mother and the outreaching of all my dearly beloved friends will get me squarely back on my feet. I couldn’t do this alone and thank Heavens I’m not!
For today this is where I stop. I actually felt relief from the pressure within that feels as if I will explode a few hours after I wrote this. All I know what to do is to “do” what I know that will assist me to put myself back together again because if I don’t do those things, this phase of my life has every potential of destroying me. I repeat something I already have said. I still have too much living to do to allow that to happen.
Me age 11-months and Mom with brother on the way.
Photography/Digital Art/ “The Blender”/September 2017©AmyRose