I don’t care who you are, all of us have darkness within ourselves. We exist in duality where there is an opposite for everything. We have been given free-will to make choices from every single thing contained within this dichotomy of light and dark. That is a whole lot of choices.
In my recent fall down the rabbit hole I beat myself up. Badly. Shocked at my behavior and so completely unnerved how I hurt someone, the “Judge and Juror” in me refused to allow any room for forgiveness. I plummeted even further down that hole, just yearning to trash this Journey I have embarked on called “Self-Realization”.
I had to take immediate action to prevent myself from sliding downward even more, knowing there was a strong possibility that self-destruction could explode fiercely if I did not do something. Allowing no other alternative, I pushed myself to go to a most Sacred Place (a park) with my camera. While there, Mother in all Her goodness, showed me Mercy. If Mother could have Mercy on me, then I would have Mercy on myself.
When I came home from the park, I delved deeply into thought. Carefully sifting and using a powerful searchlight, I began to see a shift, not a good one, upon my Mother’s death a little over one year ago. Something in me broke, began to let go of the Higher Way, not caring in the least about all the progress I had made with my life. It started in little ways where I tossed away my self-control allowing the darkness within me to rear its ugly head. And I did not care.
During this thinking process something huge rocked my world. I saw how I have been fighting this darkness within myself, determined not to allow it to rule me but for me, however, to rule it. I did not acknowledge the darkness for what it is, nor did I accept the fact that it was a part of me and would always be a part of me. I could not accept all these years that this very real darkness, even though I was consciously aware of it, was in fact, a part of who I am. Talk about a dichotomy!
That’s a big realization, friends. And it delivered quite the punch to my gut.
Yet quietly without fuss in that moment, I put down my shield and sword surrendering to this darkness, admitting that this darkness was a part of me. I could not run away from this even if I wanted to. I tried for more years then I could possibly tell you. Forty years perhaps? At least! The enormous relief was immediate when I called a cease-fire!
It is my choice how I progress in my thoughts, in my deeds, in my actions all within my life. Ever hear the saying, “We have an Angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other and it all depends on what we do as we give our attention to the Angel or the devil?”
Even when I am acting upon a choice, I must examine my motive behind that choice. Was it made from Love straight from my Heart? Was it made from fear? Was it made to manipulate making what looks to be “good” really a means for me to control? Was it made from pain, confusion, selfishness? Was it made from aggression, arrogance, ignorance? SO many reasons and more as to why we make one simple choice and it takes someone brave enough to really look to figure out the why of that choice. And then to learn from that choice.
If any of you think this self-improvement is easy, think again. This is perhaps the hardest Journey within my life. I grew up learning hatred, fear, and pain as my norm. So how does someone like me even know what Love is? Or even how to act in Love? The only answer I can come up with, God is merciful. So when it became absolutely clear it was my Deliberate Intention to undo the ugly that had been taught to me, I was then given Spiritual Helpers to teach me what Love is and what Love is not. How else can I explain to anyone, much less myself, how much I have changed for the better since my childhood days? If any of you have more insight into this, I would be honored if you left your thoughts to discuss this ongoing investigation.
I will do my best to blog today. The world according to my cats has begun to stabilize (I think!) so I believe I have the time and the energy to apply myself here. All I can do is my best. And show myself Mercy if I become too weary to blog.
May all who read my words glean something that can assist you in your own lives. Peace be with all of us.
Photography/ “Thoughts Of A Thinker”/ September 2018©AmyRose