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Within …

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… the sorrow, the despair, the pain, is beauty if you but look to see. The year 2020 has been in my humble opinion, the most difficult and painful year I believe any of us have ever experienced. Yet those of us who know how to find beauty, do, and by doing so, we are able to create a safe haven away from the chaos and utter madness of the world.

It’s Christmas, a very special time of year for our love to shine ever so brightly, as an example how to live every day of our lives. The evil I have witnessed in this world especially this year only strengthens my personal convictions that I live my life according to love and according to me. No one can take the meaning of Christmas from you, unless that is, you allow it. As I’ve stated before, I will not bend my knee to evil as I honor love.

Even with a broken heart, I was able to find beauty. Our Doodles, instead of last week, went this past week to the Rainbow Bridge. Looking as healthy as he did, we decided to have our Vet examine him which she did on Monday. Understanding came with that visit. Our Doodles was suffering from significant abdominal growths that had metastasized. Cancer. This is why he had become so confused and acting so strangely. On Tuesday, December 22nd, our family assisted him to the Rainbow Bridge along with the aid of a wonderful in-home euthanasia Vet.

The night before his ascension, he managed despite being so weak, exhausted and in terrible pain, to climb the stairs, head bump his Daddy who was in bed and then from there, jump up the cat tower in our upper hallway. There he laid all night in the brand new rendition Daddy made for Doodles. This was the first time he actually went into it and he was most assuredly thanking Daddy for working so hard just for him. Tears.

 

That was Dad’s gift. Mine came the next morning. As Doodles was passing, he placed his left paw on my heart. No words. Just no words. Tears.

The next day we witnessed a precious moment between Rusty and Charlie comforting each other on the love seat. Both have broken hearts loosing their brother who they loved so very much.

 

Earlier the same day our boys reached out to one another, Mother gave me a Gift like no other. Despite our forecast being cloudy and a lot of snow coming our way, early morning on December 23rd, I saw a morning sky shining with the Morning Star. It was unlike any other morning sky I’ve seen.  Between the Morning Star and the cloud formations, I was in awe. I stood with tears dripping down my face, knowing my Doodles was definitely HOME. I had no doubts but to receive confirmation from Mother, is a precious Gift.

 

Five days before Doodles went HOME, I had to get out of the house with my cameras. Within one hour’s frame of time, I found beauty that spoke of how I felt and which contained signs of what was to come for Doodles. If you take your time viewing the following pictures, you will both see and feel the desolation, yet with the right perspective the beauty as well. These pictures are personal, yet knowing the year all of us have had, I have no doubt you can relate as well. Transmute your despair and sorrow into beauty like I am showing you here. Breathe. Just breathe ….

 

I know this is an unusual Christmas post, but me being me, I will not be a hypocrite and pretend all is well. Despite my broken heart, I insist on living my life in beauty and peace, and love those around me. Cherish this time and spend it with family and friends. God is good. God is with all of us. Celebrate this Christmas as the Gift of Miracles it truly is.

Merry Christmas, my friends.
~~~~~~

 

Photography/ “Within …” / December 2020©AmyRose
http://www.herladypinkrose.wordpress.com
All images watermarked for protection.

 

 

98 thoughts on “Within …”

  3. A beautiful and real post dear Amy❤️ So sorry for your loss. AND Thankyou for sharing Human duality in its extremities through your beautiful photos🥰 May your own love, joy and peace, your true essence bring you through these end times and be part of a grand world of harmony. Much love to you this Christ – mas time, love Barbara x

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    1. Thank you, Barbara. Yes there is duality in its extremities which only hones so many aspects within. These times have been very tough for me especially as I am caring for so many babies that are at end of life. Every one I love so much. To say goodbye a piece of my heart goes with them. Much love to you this Christ – mas. The Christ light is how my life is lived. xoxo

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  4. I’m very sorry about Doodles hon,your cats 🐱 are sooooo very cute❣️And the pics are so very gorgeous and your words are inspirational and amazing as always Merry Christmas 🎁🎄 GF❣️

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    1. Thank you, StacyAnne. A piece of my heart left with him. This post is a very special one for it is deeply personal yet I feel strongly so many can relate to both the words and the pictures due to what they themselves have suffered this past year. Merry Christmas, dear friend!! xo

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    1. Thank you, Kamal. Merry Christmas to you and your dear family as well. Much love to you! xo PS Thank you for your prayers. Our Family is taking Doodles’ passing very hard.

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    1. Thank you, Gabriele. Doodles is a huge loss to this family. Bless you what you said about the pictures …. all of them moved me tremendously. I know the pain I suffer only deepens my ability as a photographer and artist even more. Merry Christmas to you, dear friend!! xo

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      1. My pleasure Amy. I know how you feel. I lost two kitties. I have only one left. It’s very hard. Amy. I don’t want you to suffer. Make that suffering into art. Take pictures. Let yourself feel. Be blessed. Be love ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹

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      2. And that is exactly what I do, dear friend. I transmute my pain into art. That is my saving grace. Yesterday curled up in my bed I just had to write. I jumped out of my bed and immediately went to my computer. The release writing brings to me I knew would be the start of my journey back to joy. I AM Love. There are times Love hurts. This is one of those times. The depth of these photographs shown here show how deeply I’ve grown from the catalyst called pain. xoxoxoxo

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    1. Merry Christmas, Dan. Thank you for the prayers you sent our way. The last few weeks have been extremely difficult. Doodles will be greatly missed. He was a part of our family for 15 years. I am seeing a new depth to my photography which I know the catalyst called pain is creating. Wishing you all the very best in 2021. God help us all …. it has to be better then 2020.

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  9. I’m so sorry to hear about Doodles passing. It’s so hard to lose our dear kitties that have nurtured us over so many years. It has been a sad year. As you know we lost too of our dear kitties earlier in the year, but it’s doubly sad for you to lose your dear doodle at Christmastime.

    On the upside, what a beautiful set of winter photos. Wow. The perfect gift for all your followers on this Christmas day. Merry Christmas, AmyRose. I wish you a peaceful, relaxing and wonderful day.

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    1. Thank you, Tim. Yes it is hard and every time this happens, I swear it gets harder, not easier. We loved Doodles for 15 years and looking at my notes and all the 3×5 cards we use for Homeopathy, I doubt if he would have lived past 8 or 9 years. He had special needs right from the get go. Now he is healthy and strong and chasing birdies. And thank you on my winter photos. I have to admit their depth is an added dimension to my skills. Merry Christmas to you ….. hope you and your wife and your furry ones had a really special day!!! xo

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  10. Oh Amy, I’m so sorry to see the news about Doodles. I guess we have both lost someone dear to us this past week. You have the talent to find such beautiful things to photograph, I have the talent to turn all my grief into making doll clothes to go with the baby dolls I have been making ready for underprivileged children. So many of the shops that were going to distribute them have closed that now I’m finding them by word of mouth. My great granddaughter will eventually get some of them, but so many little girls will receive nothin this year and while I wanted them to be under the Christmas trees they will help keep Christmas alive for months tto come now.

    I’m finding some peace by writing about Christmases past and the days of innocence. Memories are all I now have of Steve, He lived in Colorado and I couldn’t even be with him, but our sister, a nurse was holdin g his hand as he left this plane for a better one. Knowing his pain is gone forever is what keeps me going. I miss him so much. He took my heart with him.

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    1. However you find your peace, Angie, that is exactly what you need to do. I know like Steve, Doodles is definitely in the better place. A piece of my heart is with him and will be until the day we can be together again. I have my writing and my photography and I’m trying to figure out a project to do over this winter as well. I miss being with people and have plans to go far with my cameras as soon as this nightmare is over with. Please take good care. Know God is with you. Much love to you! XO

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  12. Merry Christmas Amy! I am so sorry for your loss, it’s never easy to lose a loved one. I am sure Doodles is looking down on you and Hubby and sending love and light your way. No one can love you the way an animal loves you. ❤ Thank you for sharing your beautiful pictures, you are as always an inspiration. I hope this response finds you warm, cozy, and feeling loved.

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    1. Merry Christmas, Zia. Thank you for your condolences. You are absolutely right about how there is no one like an animal who can love the way an animal does. We humans can learn from them. I am also very glad you enjoyed my pictures. They contain truth in ways when seen will move you to tears. I am warm cozy and loved. Bless you!! Much love to you! xo

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    2. Merry Christmas, Zia. Thank you for your condolences. You are absolutely right about how there is no one like an animal who can love the way an animal does. We humans can learn from them. I am also very glad you enjoyed my pictures. They contain truth in ways when seen will move you to tears. I am warm cozy and loved. Bless you!! Much love to you! xo

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    1. Merry CHRISTmas to you, Dana!! And thank you for your condolences regarding Doodles. That bench I stared at for a long time. It spoke volumes to me. It represents this past year in so many ways, doesn’t it? I took two compositions of it but I like the one I showed here the best. So glad you enjoyed these pictures. All of them just pulled at me powerfully. Much love to you! xo

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  14. Much love to you Amy, this time has indeed touched us in so many ways…such painful, painful ways. But it is those times that asks us to look within and ask ourselves what we really feel. And it is in that asking that we see so much that we hold that really doesn’t have meaning any more, and allows us to free ourselves of them and become that change that this understanding brings. Your heart has shown you such meaning in Doodles passing and that love is shown in what you have captured in your images. A star within is indeed born this day, in more ways than one.
    Merry Christmas dear lady, to you and yours. May its love hold you all ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋

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    1. I’ve changed so much in this past year, Mark, and most for the better. I have a fear I’ve been working on and as soon as I am ready, I will be putting myself to the test. As with all our babies, I take their loss so hard. Doodles needed so much during his life having so many problems yet despite them, he lived such a great life and OH was he loved! Every time I pass that cat tower shown here I look up expecting to see him and when I don’t I have to stop and breathe deeply. As for the star being born, you give me too much credit. I am who I am. And no more. Merry Christmas to you, dear friend. I pray yours was truly a special one this year. Hubby and I had such a good day …. such deep peace is in this house. Much love to you! xo

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  15. i am deeply sorry for your loss. It is always so terrible hard to lose a 4-footed companion. The pain is like no other. Thank you for your beautiful words and photos.

    Sending white healing light and prayers your way.

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    1. God bless you for the white healing light and prayers. Both are such a Gift you give so selflessly. Our cats are our family and whenever we loose one, not only my husband and I grieve but the other cats left behind as well. I am so so touched by your “energy” and your words. I am convinced that the pain I experience enhances my artistic abilities. These photographs speak volumes I believe for the world at large. All of us have been through so much this past year! Much love to you! Merry Christmas! xo

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  16. Viewing the stark beauty of your photos and reading of Doodles’ passing brought tears to my eyes reminding me of the loss of my own purring companion so many years ago…I hope this sacred day brings you peace and unfolds in endless beauty, Amy.

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    1. My hope is that you would have seen the beauty within the starkness of my photographs. It is all in how we see. Those losses we all have suffered never are forgotten, are they? We can go for a long time without any pain and then suddenly brought up short by what someone said or something we see and the tears come again. The sacred day yes brought me much peace and because I choose to live my life from the perspective of beauty, yes I have that as well. Sending you much love and gratitude for your loving words to me. Bless you!! xo

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      1. I had a melancholy day yesterday after the busyness of the holiday season knowing that there are still many months ahead as we valiantly try to make our way in a world we don’t recognize any more…I will continue to seek out beauty and kindness (and after a day of rest, I’ve been blessed with some sunshine peeking through the gloom this morning restoring hope and perhaps some wonder!).
        I hope this brand new year unfolds in untold beauty for you and yours…

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      2. This year will be so glorious you just wait and see. My “hunch” is not wrong as I patiently await the goldenness that is about to take place. Speaking of sun ….. it’s rare in Winter where I live and I’m making it my goal to get in sun every time it does shine. I remembered how to sun gaze in a safe manner to lift me spiritually and dimensionally. If I lost you, sorry. LOL I know how to raise my consciousness so that my feet barely touch the ground. I need that especially after loosing our Doodles. God bless you, dear friend. xo

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  23. I believe animals are given to us as a gift, a gift of life and learning. Our pets live in the moment, they do not hold grudges, they love unconditionally. They appear to laugh sometimes, they have strong hearts and strong wills. He made them that way, as an example of living life to the fullest, living every moment as if there is no tomorrow. Not worrying about the past, but knowing that He is with us in the present. Genesis tells you this, there is eternity in the Spirit. By the time your eyes open in the present the future has already become your past. When the moon is overhead a new day starts. Blessings to you dear Amy, we are our Fathers children and we take care of His gifts that He gives us, until He takes them home again.

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    1. God bless you, Sandra, for these words. I read them, reread them, and did so several more times. Our Doodles is sorely missed yet I know without doubt, he no longer is sick, or in pain, or sad. Yet my tears on this side are real and I allow them to fall whenever they come. I know this family is in God’s good grace and that He knows how our hearts hurt. We are blessed even in this time of sorrow. Thank you. xo

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  24. I’m taking a wee break, but I wanted to drop by and say how sorry I am about your losing your precious kitty. Having lost my beloved Sheltie this year, too, I totally understand the emptiness and grief … but the comfort knowing our pets are whole again and unspeakably happy. I hope you and yours had a good Christmas — and yes, I feel the desolation in your photos, but it’s easy to see the beauty too!

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    1. Thank you, Debbie. This loss is hitting me so hard and I’m just letting the pain and tears fall where they may. Hubby and I have said goodbye to so many special babies and I guess for me this one just broke the camel’s back. Our Whispers just last night laid in a top bunk of a cat tower with one of his legs hanging down just like Doodles used to and I just burst into tears. I am truly so sorry for your loss of your beloved Sheltie. We both know our babies are healthy and happy yet we have to work through the grief in order to come to the other side that known as joy. I’m glad you were able to feel the beauty through my photographs. Thank you for telling me. God bless you! xo

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      1. God bless you, too, my friend! I’ve read so many online posts about beloved pets crossing OTRB this year, and I can’t help but imagine all of them happy and healthy on the other side. I’m sure they must miss us, too, but remember, they didn’t really know time here, so they’re probably unaware of it there. Let time and good memories sustain you … as well as the certainty you’ll see your beloved Doodles again one day.

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      2. Strange that you say that because of our Vets commented that many animals are passing this year. Perhaps they have finished what they came here to do. And yes there is no doubt that we will see our Doodles again with all the other babies we have lost as well. God bless you for your kindness. xo

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    1. Thank you, Cathy. You are so kind. There most definitely is a duality in life but … it is in how you view life, through love or with fear that makes all the world of a difference. Even in my sadness and copious tears, I still will not hate or fear. Love is how I live. Many blessings in return, dear friend. Much love to you! xo

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    1. Thank you, LeeAnn. I know you of anyone knows how broken a heart can get. Doodles is a huge loss … we just lost his biological Mom in September. Both had cancer. I know as well that he is safe in God’s World and healthy and running wild and free. God bless you for your condolences. Much love to you! xo

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    1. Thank you, Benji. Doodles was and still is a huge loss that leaves me at times helpless with tears streaming. These losses are almost too much to bear. God bless you for caring. I know you know ….. xo

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  29. Do accept my condolences for Doodles. I can see not only beauty but also sense the underlying sadness in your pictures, especially the first one of snow. Each of us have some kind of sadness. Add to it, the gloomy current conditions, I am sure many people can relate to this. Hope you find inner peace and strength. Wishing you a peaceful New Year.

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  31. Amy my dear friend, you know my heart is with you over Doodles.. despite all of your heart ache you were shown the beauty, the magic and the unconditional love… The Signs all given to a beautiful caring soul whose Cat family mean the world to her..
    I know dear Amy, Doodles will be sorely missed by you, your hubby and your cat family… But I also know your love and devotion to them has also not gone unnoticed in the angelic realms..

    Sending Huge hugs and so much love ❤ ❤

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    1. God bless you, Sue. You have helped me in more ways then you know. Your selflessness and your gentle caring towards me at a time in my life when I literally fell apart, this too shall not go unnoticed by the angelic realms. All we do from out of love has been noted and the day is approaching when all that love we gave shall be multiplied and given back to us in ways that leave us stunned. Sending you so much love and many hugs as well!! xo

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    1. Aw, thank you, Julie. God bless you! Yes hubby and I did have a special Christmas despite our broken hearts. Doodles is a big loss and I’m allowing tears to fall when they want to. I hope your Christmas was special as well. Much love to you! xo

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  35. What a beautiful send off to Doodles – full of love and the realization that life goes on, the Spirit goes on, forever. I love the way you see and share the beauty all around you. Peace to you as you mourn, and hope and joy to you in 2021. xo

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    1. Pam, I have not been up to blogging in my grief over Doodles. Hence the late reply. I took time to allow the huge pain within my being to be felt, and to allow the pain and the tears to engulf me. I’ve had so many losses in my life. I shall continue to see and share the beauty and I can say this with full assurance …. because I allowed my pain to exist and not push it away, the beauty I capture will even be deeper and more complete. Peace to you in return. God bless you for your words. May all of us have hope and joy in 2021. xo

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  36. My heart is broken for you, Amy. I know that pain and I wish there was some way I could make it better for you. A dear friend had to help her trusted friend…Homer…a beautiful dog I had the pleasure of knowing…about the same time. Her heart…truly broken.
    I send you a giant hug, Amy. One of understanding and one to hopefully take some of your pain away ❤ ❤

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    1. My heart is broken right now, Lorrie. God bless you for your kindness and caring! Some people just don’t understand the depth of my sorrow. I actually had a perfect stranger from Chewy send me a dozen roses after I spoke to her on the phone at great length regarding an Rx order I have with them. I’ve never had anyone reach out to me like this before, especially a stranger. My own family never even sent a card nor did they call me. I have forgiven them and yes understand why, but sorry, that cuts deeply. I’ve got tears in my eyes for I “feel” your sincerity and genuine love for me.
      BIG (((HUGS))). The world is a better place with people like you in it. Keep shining, dear friend!! xo

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      1. Ah! I am crying too, Amy, as I read this! For so many reasons!! Yes, I unfortunately understand this pain. Amy, the first 7 years of my life I lived on a farm and there were not any children around to play with. So the animals were my only friends. Horses, ponies, chickens, ducks, geese, dogs, cats, even a baby bull that we got to feed with a giant bottle! They were very good friends and to this day I think I relate more to animals than I do with most people!! But, I am happy to say that I feel so connected with you and honestly if there’s anything I can do, please don’t hesitate to ask!!! Sending lots of love🧡🧡

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      2. Your genuine caring tells me, Lorrie, how much you have grown and how much a part love is in your life. It is an honor to cross paths with someone who has not allowed fear to steal their mind and soul. I am closer to animals then people on the whole, yet I have been praying about that lately how I would love to in “real life” be associated with those who understand what love is, who understand how to walk the Higher Path, and who have not compromised their integrity. You have done so much for me as you reached out to me in love. There is no greater Gift!! God bless you!!! Much love to you! xo

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  37. I’m just finding this post now. My thoughts and prayers are with you, Amy. There is nothing quite like the love of pet. They’re unwavering in their devotion to their housemates. I’m so sorry that Doodles has passed, but she knows how much she IS loved, and is in a better place now.

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    1. Rob, you are right. There is nothing quite like the love of a pet for it is unconditional. My cats have taught me the true meaning of love, and that is no lie. No human did that for me. Bless you for your heartfelt condolences. You’ve put tears in my eyes. I know too that where Doodles is that most definitely is the better place. Perhaps with what all is coming, we here on earth can finally experience Heaven. Have a great day today!! xo

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  38. So sorry for your loss. I completely understand….having lost and still missing my canine companion of 14.5 years. They bring so much joy and love into our lives and I am sure you returned just as much to Doodles. What heartbreaking but everlasting memories Doodles offered in their good-bye. I have never heard of an in-home euthanasia vet; what a wonderful service to provide.(I will keep this in mind if/when another furry friend comes into my life.) I, too, find comfort in photos although mine don’t quite capture the essence of the moment. May Doodles be experiencing the beauty and peace in the ones you’ve shared. Blessings to you.

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    1. Our Doodles is truly in the Better Place. We have used an in-home euthanasia Vet for many years after experiencing horrors at a Vet’s office. We are able to say goodbye together as a family. It is a truly beautiful experience. Many blessings to you in return. Much love to you! xo

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