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Freeing Emotional Me

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This then is the paradox.  Growing up I was not allowed to show emotion yet I felt and still do feel things deeply.  Not knowing how to respond appropriately with emotion when displayed, my emotions needless to say, were all over the place.

I’ve been on a Journey for many a year to discover who I am.  I didn’t know who I was growing up.  That is a terrible predicament to be in.  And this dilemma about my emotions bugged me!  Over decades, I slowly undid the knots that held my emotions prisoner, learning how to express them in a healthy way.  Too many years I walked this earth with suppressed emotions not daring to express them because I had very little control over them.

In other words, I was afraid of my own emotions.

I’ve learned how to remain calm in extreme circumstances even though I may be falling apart inside.  I know how to express myself in a mature manner, not to the extent that I know I am capable of, yet I am learning and that is what is important.  I’m learning to brave the elements to learn who I am and how to temper my emotions so they do not control me.

In my digging, I found a beautiful, sensitive, emotional, very talented and intelligent woman who knows how to Love completely and fully from her Heart.  I can say I not only like me but I Love me!  I was taught to hate myself and here today (lump in throat) I Love me.  Wow!  What a transition!

Do you know how good that felt to write?  If I had even dared to say anything like this in the past and even to this day within my family structure, I would have been ridiculed, torn down, called vain, and even punished.  (another lump!).  

I ask you, if I don’t Love me and like me, who will?

Just how do I show my emotions now?  I’m talking about a calm, balanced Loving Attitude, smiling as I go and extending a gentle touch to all.   When I’m sad, I speak it and cry.  When I’m happy I speak it and laugh.  When I’m mad I speak it with Love.  When I Love I show it in all I do.  The overwhelming emotional outbursts of the past are gone and in their place is the new and improved emotional version of me.  This is who I am today.  I live from my Heart, my North Star!

I encourage you to discover who you are.  It is never too late to start.  If you already have found you, I applaud you for I know the dangerous terrain you have covered and the prices you have paid.  When we own ourselves there is no greater feeling in all this world to have.  If I can do it, so can you!  Remember, this is the Season of Miracles!

Photography/ “Freeing Emotional Me”/ November 2017©AmyRose
http://www.herladypinkrose.wordpress.com

☺️🕊☺️

78 thoughts on “Freeing Emotional Me”

  1. It’s like you are writing about me. Well actually I am still figuring me out. I wasn’t told I couldn’t show my emotions, but I grew up with a troubled sister, divorced parents, a dad who was an alcoholic, being teased by kids in school, etc. I didn’t know how to deal with my emotions so I held them in, like you. Every day is a challenge when it comes to my emotions. I think this is one of the reasons I like writing poetry, it helps me get them out. I pray everyday I will figure myself out. I am so happy for you! 🙂

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    1. How my Heart really goes out to you, LeeAnn. I know there are many here on WordPress who have had a troubled childhood and are trying their best to heal themselves in this present day. Many times as I write posts like I have here today, some have come forward and said words almost like yours, that they can relate and how it is as though I am speaking about them. Whatever you do, do not give up on this your healing Journey. Oh my goodness yes I do know it is very very difficult but in the end as one by one, you get those emotions in a row and given a healthy dose what is and what is not, you will be better off for it. This journey is not for the faint of heart by no means. I applaud you for even attempting to better yourself and I for one am very proud of you. Much Love and Peace to you this day. 💕🎀💕

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  2. Very nice Amy. These are 3 books I give to people that impacted me. If you decide to read them, it’s best to read them if you haven’t read any of these books in the order I give them.

    A Compass For Healing by Noah benShea
    Care of the Soul by Thomas Moore
    Illusions by Richard Bach

    Illusions is my favourite book.

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    1. Gary, I am very grateful to you for your suggestions. I have two out of the three books in my library. I agree with you that they are extremely valuable and good books. Thank you for taking the time reading this post and for commenting. May you have a Blessed Sunday. 💕🌹💕

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  3. This is such a powerful journey Amy 💛 One that resonates with me too. I have a narcissist mother, and learned to not show emotions or how I was hurting very early on. I then married a narcissist man. The marriage lasted 26 years, until I knew I had to break free to be true to myself and emotionally free. Thank you for sharing your experience and challenges. There is a lot of loss and pain on this journey, but we wouldn’t be who we are today without having had our experiences. Loving ourselves is the greatest gift of all 💕
    I love your photo of the tender grass head caught in the wire. Such a great metaphor!

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    1. Yes, Val, this is a very powerful Journey as you only know so well. My story is the same as yours yet a little bit different too. Yes you marry who you know and in looking back I married my mother. Recently my husband who saw me break totally over the death of my mother suddenly and without warning seemed to come to his senses. I’m saying all of a sudden his own fear regarding his emotions fell away and in the place of that fear he is showing me realness for the first time. I know that I know that I know I am to be where I am and yes the journey has been a lot harder then I have ever told anyone. But to be living in this Freedom today I would not exchange for anything! I am so happy for you, that you too are allowing your emotions freedom and learning how to heal them so you can express them in a healthy way. We all deserve to do this! As for this picture I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Yes it does fit perfectly in with what I wrote. May you have a glorious Sunday!

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  4. This topic is very difficult Amy and you have gone so far with your experiences and know, that you are, where you should be now.

    I’m still fighting, even if I’m in a much better place in my life today.

    Send you all my love ❤

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    1. Irene, this healing Journey is a process, a very long one at that. We both have come a long ways but yet we both know there is more to yet come. I am more than happy to share my experience with all who read this and I’m happy for you that you have found the courage to change and to heal you. Much love to you this day, dear friend. 💕😙💕

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  8. Ah! Beautiful soul…this is what real power looks like! Yes…we may have been taught the complete opposite…and we had no way to know better…until we did…and then we work every single day to erase the old nasty way and hurt feelings!

    I am proud of you…and of love you too!! 💜💜💜

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    1. When a soul says “Beautiful soul” to another, that soul merely is seeing “herself” in the other. (smile) Thank you, Lorrie. This is a lifelong journey with some days just so difficult still. As I told someone else, you seem to get to a certain point and you begin to feel comfortable for a while. Then suddenly a “Test” for advancement appears and you again feel totally out of the water. LOL Ya just gotta laugh because this journey is just so challenging! Thank you for saying you are proud of me … another way that goes, it takes one to know one. (wink) Much Love to you this day, dear friend! 🤗

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  9. It is in finding ourselves that the true love begins Amy, no longer twisted or bent from those fears in our lives 😀
    And that love is the understanding that defeats a lifetime of emotions that held us prisoner 😀
    You are now free. Welcome to the true world ❤

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    1. Oh, Mark. I wish I were free. I wish. Because I was denied nurturing and true Love as a child, it will be a lifelong journey for me to consistently improve within my emotional body. I explained to someone else who claimed she could relate to my experience, that you think you got this emotional issue under wraps when along comes a “test” that pushes you out of comfort zone and into chaos (again). Growth. Continual growth. And as explained to another who understands, this metamorphis is SO darn hard, as I teach myself things I was never taught. Oh I’m in the true world, you bet I am! Yet … healing it seems is two steps forward … ahhh I got this … and then wham one step back and sliding downhill (again). LOL True. And thank God for my sense of humor! 😂

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      1. You are free Amy. Just look back to where you were…would you like to go back there? No, simply because you are now free from that situations pain. And each time you understand the ‘why’ you can ‘see’ a littler further and understand your journey better. And yes, the ‘tests’ do keep bobbing up, but only so you can understand that you are in fact getting better at this ‘life’ thing and will begin to ‘see’ the purpose behind it more and more 😀
        My rejection from my dad kept returning over many, many years, and each time it bit me very hard until I saw really what was driving it underneath. That breakthrough changed my lens, I could now see that ‘why’ and so began a new journey, one where I could now ‘see’ my reactions to it and understand that I now had ‘control’ where before I felt I was just being picked on by the universe.
        That change is the beginning of the end, the one where I let go of what no longer serves me and take on the ‘me’ of this journey, that understanding where we only ever give out exactly where we are at…if I’m sad, that is what I give out, if I am happy, that too is what give out. And if I am constantly a certain way, that is me, my personality that I have built. I chose to no longer be fearful, and really appreciated what it took to reach this place in my life. So I began to build the new me, the one that loved me more than anything else….because then I gave that love out. It can only be reached by reaching myself, through those walls of fear by facing them, tearing them down in understanding them, and begin the rebuild. I now have a beach house within, with a nice breeze blowing and birds calling over the waves 😀
        Your old home has been demolished, you are now drawing the plans for what ‘you’ want in your life my friend, and it will be a very beautiful home, one of love, happiness, and security. And yes, hubby will still tromp into the house with mud on his boots, but it will no longer matter, you are no longer holding up those walls that took up all your time before and the responsibilities that they held.
        You are free, very free from something that took up most of your time and efforts in life. Now choose…or not…what do you want out of life? And that too can be a little confronting because you’ve never been in this place before, the freedom to make a choice for just you…not the fear that had you chained to its direction. Just relax for you, let go those millions of expectations that you feel is your responsibility…and begin the you…with integrity. Your heart will speak much more clearer now ❤ 😀

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      2. Wow, Mark, you have given me quite a lot to think about here. I’ve been reading and rereading this comment and just am amazed every single time how much you said. I’m now smack in the middle of understanding my entire family’s rejection of me, or no desire on their part to know me. I received not one but two letters in snail mail so filled with hate and anger that my knees gave out. And it seems every single interaction with family no one knows how to consider the life I have. Also in loosing the connection to one of my sis’s, a negative habit that developed is now gone and so that in of itself has given me more room for letting go and healing. I’ve had to walk a long way back to get the bigger picture in order to understand this family of mine and then to let go. Yes freedom I am giving myself in so many ways, not just my emotional life. Thank you for declaring that and getting it through my head that YES I am free. Funny you should compare my life to a physical house because I was thinking along the same lines. I have so much else I dream for me, yet in order to get there I must keep building from the foundation up. I cannot reach the penthouse level until all floors in-between are built and established and completed. I’ll have you know some of these conversations I’ve been having of late associated with WP have been life-altering. And this conversation especially. I’m beginning to “see” that even though I have a roundabout view of where I intend to go, Life when I relax and just allow, somehow brings that to me in ways so unexpected that if you had told me ahead of time, I would say to you NO WAY! So much healing has occurred, dear friend, in circumstances that many a time I wish I were not in. Yet, adversity is a great Teacher and in my humble opinion a way to gain growth rapidly. And yes my Heart is speaking to me more clearly and my confidence is daily growing. I’m in a very good place, one yes that is still full of a lot of responsibilities and much work, yet this too I’m adapting my attitude to better me. Gee, I could just go on and on. I am so grateful to you for taking the time to write as you did. Thank you, dear friend. I also am so happy for you that you have declared yourself free! You deserve it! Much LOVE to you!! 🤗💝🤗

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      3. The really interesting part of my journey Amy was, once I let it go and stood back, the universe starting dropping answers in my lap all over the place. I had to let it go first. I was trying so hard to ‘do’ something that I realised it was my fear driving it. Yes, the pace is a bit hectic, but the answers sure made up for it 😀
        Enjoy the journey my friend, some answers will take their time, but that is for you so that you can digest properly that love inside waiting to be released ❤
        Much love and happiness to you also kind lady, you deserve it ❤

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      4. Oh my goodness! Mark! An answer I’ve been seeking for a LONG time dropped quietly into my lap so to speak just last evening. I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why why why my entire family have labeled me as a drama queen and my life as “crap”. Believe me, that had upset me greatly as I just couldn’t understand why this was. These labels are the furthest thing from my truth! Well! Last night I was told I am the only empath, the only sensitive within my “family” and so there is no one who can understand me. They fear me. They mock me. They push me away. And where in the heck I came from in this family DNA is a mystery to me. I must be a throwback somewhere along the family tree. You are right. I’ve been just letting go and not even thinking about my family any more and not driving me nuts questioning WHY WHY WHY. The feeling of relief within me now is something I don’t think I can describe. All of my life I have been ridiculed and pushed away and now I know why. Wow! This probably was evident to someone who is not a part of my family but to me, no. Now that I “see” I’m wondering how I did not see this before. Huh. See how these conversations are really affecting my life? Much Love and happiness to you, dear friend!! 🤗

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    1. I am beyond middle age so this I can say with confidence. The more you implement this “new” way of living, the easier it gets. Then when it begins to get easy you will be faced suddenly with something that again makes you uncomfortable to help you to continue to grow. It’s a process. Be gentle on you and have patience, knowing you are doing yourself a great service, freeing YOU. BIG (((HUGS))) Amy ☺️

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    1. Thank you, Brad. Oh yes this is a very difficult Journey teaching yourself something we were never rightfully taught as a child. I say kudos to you as well because I know the hardships that you have overcome. Good for you! 👏👏👏

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      1. I’m proud of you too! My husband is not always good with my highly sensitive nature. He likes it that I am I think, he is just uncomfortable when I cry as easily as I do and feel emotions so much deeply than others. Years ago my mentor told me that what impacted me like it might a pebble thrown at someone else was like being hit with a huge boulder. It was she who began hellping me set my true self free and I’m so glad she did. It feels good to be comfortable in your own skin. I pray that you are having the same good “feelings” with your freedom. Love and hugs, N 🙂 ❤ xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

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      2. Natalie, I’m learning to block the outer world out. I must be very careful how much input I receive because I’m just getting more and more sensitive. Hubby is a sensitive as well BUT he tends to hide that in substances and gruffness. Lately he is learning how to allow his sensitive side to be seen. And I so agree with you that it feels good to be comfortable in my own skin, and understanding me as well. I’ve arrived at a place in my life I live my life according to ME. And yeah. It feels GREAT! 🙂 Much Love to you! 🌹

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  13. Great post Amy! I totally get it. I had to learn to express my emotions, to feel what was locked deep inside me. It blew my mind literally, the extend and range of feelings and emotions that were stored within me from childhood. It is good to get them out and expressed!! Thank you for sharing your journey so openly and honestly – so many people can be helped just by reading your experience!! It takes lots of perseverance, determination and guts – as you know. People need to know this, they can’t just take a pill to get better and live in freedom and peace. Lots of love and hugs to you!! Donna

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    1. Donna, you speak the Truth in saying, no a pill is not the answer. This healing stuff is very difficult at times and it does take guts to hang in there. It feels wonderful to have my emotions under control and not the other way around. I remember thinking years ago I had to NOT anger because I could not trust my anger. Now? I am more then willing to express my anger in a healthy manner and boy does it feel good! When younger I used to create gardens with just a shovel and spade which turned out some glorious gardens. Yet my anger still simmered because it was never verbally addressed. Now that it is being addressed with the people I can trust to handle it, that anger is no longer an issue. I’ve also learned to befriend my anger, not hate it or be afraid of it like I used to be. Although because of who I am IF anyone would ever threaten anyone I Loved I would not hesitate to use my anger to fuel my actions and defend them with the Martial Arts I know. And FYI good for you for taking the courage it takes to heal those emotions and letting them out to see the sun. Yes I understand about mind blowing because my emotions for a while really were all over the place. I found out they still are when intense pain happens as in loosing my Mom. May you have a glorious evening and Much Love to you!!! ☺️

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  14. Good morning, sweet Amy 🙂 ❤ I am happy for you that you have tread and are treading the path to being yourself even though it is full of prickly bramble and sharp falls! ❤ The discovery is well worth it. ❤ ❤ ❤ I know quite a few people who have closed up their heart in an attempt to guard themselves from more pain. As you know, it doesn't work. The pain is still there and, like you have described, there is emotional volatility because emotions under pressure burst out in unexpected ways. Yesterday, I was in busy bee mode doing all the things I could think of that are outdoor chores. The cold weather is returning tomorrow. Two of these were cleaning the car and sweeping out the garage. They might as well start the winter clean even though they won't stay that way. 🙂 While I was sweeping the garage, the family of one of my neighbors came out to their car to leave. They had been visiting their parents and grandparents (my neighbors) probably for a Sunday meal. My neighbor stopped to chat with me about the fire alarm that went off at 11 pm on Saturday night. I was asleep at the time and then we all spent time outside in the cold waiting for the situation to get sorted. The alarms are loud! When it went off, I felt like I'd been transported into a very strange reality. The next morning, when I woke up, I wasn't sure if it had been a dream or real. (It wasn't a fire. There was something faulty in the sprinkler system.) When I look at the past, I sometimes feel like I was living in an altered reality space. There was the inner knowing of Me which has been constant throughout. And then there is the bramble, fog, deep ravines and their accompanying pain, confusion, and despair. From this vantage point, they no longer feel real more like the many spokes of a spider's web that had me trapped and stuck. I still see them. I sometimes feel them trying to stick to me again. But, I know enough to wave my hands at them and they disappear like fog in the morning sun. I find having the habit of praying and being conscious of my emotions to be very useful. It requires continuous maintenance and attention. I used to be afraid of my sadness. I thought it might drown me. For me, this sadness came from being disconnected from spirit. I am not afraid of it anymore because I understand why it was there and I can purposely and constantly seek and find the connection. I know that there are those of my acquaintance that would quarrel with me about this if I were to speak of it. I don't feel the need to speak of it unless I think it might help someone. What I feel like I need to do is Be it every day. The more I am Myself the easier it becomes and the brighter and fuller the days. Cool photo! 🙂 Love, hugs, and blessing for you! ❤ ❤ ❤

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    2. Yes, Sarah, the longer we are ourselves the easier it becomes. I so agree. I too know people who have closed their Hearts or who have never dared to learn how to open them and every single instance it is because of fear. When we open our Hearts we become vulnerable and all those emotions confront us leaving us very overwhelmed. When we systematically address each emotion as a major with others as a minor things really do start falling into place. Whenever I cross paths with bio family sadness still does overcome me because even though none of us were taught how to have healthy emotions, they were not able to break out of the mold that was enforced upon them. I did break out of my mold! I’m just so grateful that I broke free and still to this day am finding ways on how to be more free. As for doing things before the cold arrives, we are doing the very same thing. Hubby went to our grocery store and every single register was open all over a “watch” of a “potential” snowstorm we “may” get. If we do we do! I’m also motivated of late to dig in those closets and corners and start cleaning and throwing out, which feels so good. We are all set now for Winter so She may blow in as She pleases. Thank you for mentioning the photo. I thought it illustrated perfectly the subject of the matter discussed in this post. And just avoid those who will quarrel with you, dear one. They don’t see what you do nor have they grown as much as you have, so of course they don’t understand where you are coming from. Thank you for leaving such a wonderful comment. May you have a great evening and a really good night’s rest. I’ve had a very full day and oh boy when my head hits that pillow, I’ll be out! Much Love to you!! 💝

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      1. OH did I think of you last evening, Sarah. I was taking a shower and I did two things wrong. One, I left the bathroom door open a tiny bit. I thought I had closed it tightly. Two, I forgot to turn the overhead fan on. As I was taking a very hot shower I felt a draft of cool air so I peeked around the shower curtain and there is Sassy who had let herself in, curled up on the floor towel in front of our tub. *sigh* OK, so a little bit of cool air I’ll put up with. BUT! Suddenly our fire alarm went off due to all the steam from my hot shower that now was pouring out through the opened door. I quickly got out of the shower, over to the door, shut it, and of course by this time Sassy is no where to be seen. The alarm kept going off (where was hubby? Outside in the garage!) and finally it stopped. It freaked all our cats out and it took a while for them to settle down. I honestly couldn’t believe that my fire alarm went off after reading about yours. LOL 😂

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  18. This is a beautiful read-and my favorite so far. You speak wisely and accurately. Good for you for finding you, I was blessed that my family encouraged us to speak our truth. As an adult, when I self reflect-I have had surprises anyway, and it is draining to really uncover-so I can not imagine the job you have had. Best wishes-and go well, and may you have many beautiful miracles always. love Michele

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    1. Thank you, Michele. It has been a very long and at times scary-arduous journey. So many did not and still do not understand me and those qualities that are uniquely mine. I didn’t understand who I was until years down the road I began to figure out the clues. I’m proud of who I am and who I’ve become, growing into my potential as the woman who stands before the world today. Count yourself very fortunately to have a family who encourages self-expression. That to me would be heaven. Now that I really have solidly found me, I’ve arrived at the place … OK. Now? …. Already circumstances have changed for the better around me. One quick story I tell you now that I may write on my blog. Because we are all connected, everything I did with my Mother … me turning my own bitterness and anger into Love and working non-stop with my Mom until she finally allowed me into her Heart … that connection and what was accomplished is now being seen in my own marriage. All the good achieved with my Mom did not stop with her death. NO! That “energy” is continuing in my life enhancing freedom in every aspect of my life. That is powerful! (((HUGS))) Amy 🌹

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    1. Andrea, I was just over at your blog and I am very glad I found you. I have the goose bumps from what you said regarding roses. Roses have an extremely deep meaning for me. As for my compassion and wisdom, they have been hard won for me in my life, yet to share what I have learned here brings me No Greater Joy! Thank you so much for the follow. I so appreciate it! 💕🌹💕

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  20. Being able to remain calm in tough situations is not an easy task… It is important to express ourselves and our feelings, of course. But, we can´t lose ourselves in the process. Knwoing ourselves, our boundaries and stauing aware of our reactions takes time, for sure. Beautiful post, dear Amy… Sending love & best wishes 😀 ❤

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    1. Thank you, Aquileana. It’s good to see you here. Between life and so many followers (I know the same for you!) this blogging is quite challenging at times. I’m so happy you can relate to what I wrote. Much Love to you! 💝

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  21. Dear Amy, such a beautiful heartfelt write my friend.. One I can so appreciate. Learning to love ourselves has been a battle for us both, but when we do, the healing is tremendous..
    I am so happy that you have dug deep to find that little girl inside again, to hold her in your loving arms and tell her that she both loved and respected and safe..
    From here on in, the journey can only get better.. ❤ Hugs ❤

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    1. This journey, Sue, as you know has its ups and its downs. The more I free myself the more I see how my family is still so bound. Then the boundary issue emerges as I realize I am only responsible for my growth and no one else’s. In part of Loving me I am learning what to take on and what not to take on. What is mine to own and what is not mine to own. I never had that as a child and to have that today is a gift, yet to some may be considered selfishness. No it is not. Even within my own marriage I’ve learned (am learning) not to take on hubby’s issues in the physical, to stay detached but Loving, and in the spiritual pray for him. It’s a Loving Dance with Me that has its spirals and its dips, its sways and its swirls. To be childlike is to gain the Kingdom of Heaven and yes I really know what that means. I’m smiling as I write this! May you have Love today, dear friend! 🤗

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      1. I so understand this Amy.. It took me a long while to get to the place you are now in. Learning to love ourselves has not been easy has it.
        And feeling like you want to help your family to love one another.. But learning to let go of the reins, as we also learn the only person we are responsible for is ourselves.. Our Journey..
        And while we may all belong to one family, we are all at various levels of growth..
        I look back now and feel privileged in a way that my lessons were as they were. For I would always try to be the peace maker.
        And yes, detached but loving, is what we need to be.. For we cannot be responsible for others, only ourselves…
        Love and Hugs dear friend xxx

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      2. When we are not taught HOW to Love ourselves we walk blind. Very difficult to do when we opt to learn how! I know you depend on Inner Guidance as I do and believe me, that is the only way, that and my determined Intention, that I have succeeded. There is always room for improvement, Sue. I’m enjoying this plateau I have arrived on and am celebrating the fact that as I heal those around me do too. We are all connected! I hope your day is a really good one today! I have plans on going out with my camera today in a forest, …. long overdue. I’ve been immersed in deep cleaning, something I’m terribly behind in due to all I’ve been through. Today however, is for ME no matter how much more needs to be cleaned. LOL That dirt is not going anywhere. 😉

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  24. Amyrose, bless you for sharing such a personal and insightful post, a very special post and one that clearly resonates with so many! I can vouch for the two steps forward one back and the continuum…that sends us new challenges to push us towards greater understanding. Thank you for sharing!

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    1. You are SO welcome! I have learned to speak Truth and here at my Petals I pour my Heart out in so many different ways. I am so thrilled you came by to read this post and that it resonates with you. May your weekend be a great one indeed!!! 💖

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