Just as we began to eat dinner last evening, hubby’s cellphone rang. Seeing that it was his sister, he picked up and the words I heard …. “Hey, I heard about the neighborhood cat” … , to which I lowered my head and began to sob. This woman never calls but yet wants to talk about “that cat”.
That cat was our cat, our beloved Tee, a part of our family. And while I’m thinking about it, why not one peep from this same woman when my Mother died?
Family on both sides have been so not a part of our lives for more years then I can randomly count. I am so set and determined to undo the dysfunction that I learned as a child and they on they other hand keep living the dysfunction. I have an eagle eye for dysfunction and they know it, so they give me a wide berth. Oh yeah you better believe it I make them verrrrrry nervous!
Even hubby when I have a crying jag (sometimes) becomes uncomfortable and resorts what he was taught as a child … ridicule. He was not taught to honestly show his emotions and when I do, he becomes so uncomfortable. Last evening as I sobbed and heard his mumbling in the background, I brought my heavy head up and said, “This is my home and if I wish to cry because my Heart is breaking I will. If you don’t like it then go elsewhere.”
Since my Mother’s death, the Silence and the distance between my siblings has become even wider. How do I communicate to those who still withdraw, who still stuff, who will not show their emotions? I am not able to. There are mountains worth of issues that require addressing if any healing is going to happen. From where I sit, it’s not going to happen.
I had been patiently waiting for my sister in charge of my Mother’s estate to finish with the paperwork before I contacted her. We officially are not in each others’ lives for reasons I don’t understand. She has expressed strongly she doesn’t want me in her life as a sister.
I took the plunge two days ago, and texted her, asking her if she could kindly send me my heart pendant that the other siblings got at the service. I was told by another sibling that this sister had one for me too. This pendant has my Mother’s thumbprint on it so yes it would be precious to me.
I received a text in return that this sister does not have a pendant for me. Only at this time did she mention the information needed for me to order a pendant for myself. When was she going to mention this to me? Probably never. Either that or until I contacted her.
Power games are big in my family. I however will have no part in them.
Instead of getting angry, I chose diplomacy and texted her back thanking her for the information and adding how nice of her to pay for the pendants that she did buy. When I saw the price I knew she paid a lot of money for them. I never did get a reply. Just got ghosted again.
Not to be able to share the grief of my loss with my own family becomes unbearable at times. I thank God that the people I do have in my life have steadily supported me and listened to my ramblings without judgment. They have become my “family” and in fact when communicating we call each other “sisters”. For real.
Good really is coming out of this horrible place. I have begun to gain a “new” family, one that knows how to share, knows how to be honest, and embraces me fully for who I am and I embrace them for who they are. To have a sense of family after years of not having this, is a Gift far above anything I hold dear.
Today I am picking up my camera and going into a forest. My poor camera has been collecting dust but not today. I am going for a long walk, not hike, in a nearby forest. There I will be able to breathe in GREEN and healing and to let go of the feeble hope of biological family reconciling.
I’m working with what I have in my life and not what I want my life to be. And so it is.
MF Macro Photography Handheld/ “Ramblings”/ October 2017©AmyRose