Ramblings


Just as we began to eat dinner last evening, hubby’s cellphone rang.  Seeing that it was his sister, he picked up and the words I heard …. “Hey, I heard about the neighborhood cat” … , to which I lowered my head and began to sob.  This woman never calls but yet wants to talk about “that cat”.

That cat was our cat, our beloved Tee, a part of our family.  And while I’m thinking about it, why not one peep from this same woman when my Mother died?

Family on both sides have been so not a part of our lives for more years then I can randomly count.  I am so set and determined to undo the dysfunction that I learned as a child and they on they other hand keep living the dysfunction.  I have an eagle eye for dysfunction and they know it, so they give me a wide berth.  Oh yeah you better believe it I make them verrrrrry nervous!

Even hubby when I have a crying jag (sometimes) becomes uncomfortable and resorts what he was taught as a child … ridicule.  He was not taught to honestly show his emotions and when I do, he becomes so uncomfortable.  Last evening as I sobbed and heard his mumbling in the background, I brought my heavy head up and said, “This is my home and if I wish to cry because my Heart is breaking I will.  If you don’t like it then go elsewhere.”

Since my Mother’s death, the Silence and the distance between my siblings has become even wider.  How do I communicate to those who still withdraw, who still stuff, who will not show their emotions?  I am not able to.  There are mountains worth of issues that require addressing if any healing is going to happen.  From where I sit, it’s not going to happen.

I had been patiently waiting for my sister in charge of my Mother’s estate to finish with the paperwork before I contacted her.  We officially are not in each others’ lives for reasons I don’t understand.  She has expressed strongly she doesn’t want me in her life as a sister.

I took the plunge two days ago, and texted her, asking her if she could kindly send me my heart pendant that the other siblings got at the service.  I was told by another sibling that this sister had one for me too.  This pendant has my Mother’s thumbprint on it so yes it would be precious to me.

I received a text in return that this sister does not have a pendant for me.  Only at this time did she mention the information needed for me to order a pendant for myself.  When was she going to mention this to me?  Probably never.  Either that or until I contacted her.

Power games are big in my family.  I however will have no part in them.

Instead of getting angry, I chose diplomacy and texted her back thanking her for the information and adding how nice of her to pay for the pendants that she did buy.  When I saw the price I knew she paid a lot of money for them.  I never did get a reply.  Just got ghosted again.

Not to be able to share the grief of my loss with my own family becomes unbearable at times.  I thank God that the people I do have in my life have steadily supported me and listened to my ramblings without judgment.  They have become my “family” and in fact when communicating we call each other “sisters”.  For real.

Good really is coming out of this horrible place.  I have begun to gain a “new” family, one that knows how to share, knows how to be honest, and embraces me fully for who I am and I embrace them for who they are.  To have a sense of family after years of not having this, is a Gift far above anything I hold dear.

Today I am picking up my camera and going into a forest.  My poor camera has been collecting dust but not today.  I am going for a long walk, not hike, in a nearby forest.  There I will be able to breathe in GREEN and healing and to let go of the feeble hope of biological family reconciling.

I’m working with what I have in my life and not what I want my life to be.  And so it is.

MF Macro Photography Handheld/ “Ramblings”/ October 2017©AmyRose
http://www.herladypinkrose.wordpress.com

💖🍁💖

 

 

76 thoughts on “Ramblings

    1. Sue, for most of my life I have not had family in my current life. But starting with the death of my dad a little over 2 years ago I tried to have a relationship with one of my sisters. That today has failed as with the rest of the family, those too have failed. I have now got to come to acceptance and firmly close the door because truth be told I truly am better off without these people in my life. They are not willing to do the hard work it takes to overcome the dysfunction we were taught as children. I on the other hand have been dedicated and committed for years to overcome the dysfunction I was taught. Overall, I have come a very long way. Much Love to you today and bless you for your support of me. 💕🌹💕

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      1. Amy you will always have my support.. And so know the closed doors family shut.. And have like you reached out, but to no avail.. There has to come a time when we let them go and move on.. You did your best and we can do no more.. xxx

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  1. Adore that you said it is your home and if you wish to cry you will. It isn’t healthy to keep in emotions, you need to be able to heal in any way you can and by George have you been through enough to warrant some much needed healing time! You are incredibly strong both when you strive ahead and when you cry. On another note, sod em. I’m glad youre not getting dragged into their power games because its the last thing you need. I’m sorry you’re dealing with so much at the moment and hope you find some peace on your walk. 🌹

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    1. Arbie, I am very frank with my husband and within hours or at least the next day he knows that he slipped back and he is truly sorry. As for what I have been through yes I could not keep the tears back if you paid me at this point. For years I had no interaction with my family until my dad passed away two years ago. Then I began to try to have a relationship with one of my sisters but at this point in time even that is gone. Slowly I back away to firmly closed the door because I am better off without these people in my life. But because the timing is still so close this just really hurts. As time passes the pain will dull that I do know. Bless you for your support. It means so much to me more than I can put into words. Much Love to you today. 💕🌹💕

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    1. With tears in my eyes, Rita, I wish I could really hug you right now. This is so painful and for you to know what I am going through hurts. I wish this on no one. So much Love to you today, dear sister. 💕🌹💕

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  2. Beautiful photo, Amy 🙂
    Family can be a strange experience and it is not all, we wish to keep in touch with, no matter how much blood, there must be.
    For many years, I have been using the therm; Friends are the family, as I chose by myself.
    Send you much love and healing ❤

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    1. Thank you Irene, for the compliment on my photograph. And I so agree with you regarding friends as family as I go along in my life. My biological family is not coming with me and it is better that way. All of my life I have felt foreign or like an alien compared to my brothers and sisters. I’m just going to have faith that as I continue with my life according to me, those of like mind and like heart come into my life who I call friends and family. It already in fact, has begun with this blog. So much Love to you this day, dear Irene. 💕🌹💕

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    1. I wish I could reach out and give you a hug, Van. I know with more time passing between now and in the future the acute pain that I am experiencing right now will become dull. Anyone who has gone through or is going through what I am, my heart so goes out to that person. I am truly sorry that you can understand what my life is right now. So much LOVE to you, dear friend. 💕🌹💕

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  3. My heart goes out to you Amy. I am going through same politics all my life. My sis and brother are the same too. I don’t need them. I will not look back as it is painful. Same advice gor you. You don’t need yours too. You are better off being happier in the company of friends💕💕

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    1. As time passes this sharp knife in my heart will abide that I am sure of. I have struggled with family all of my life and this is the final curtain because I am not willing to be hurt like this any more. I am so sorry to hear that you as well have this situation in your life and my advice to you is the same as you gave to me. You are better off without them. This is your life according to you and if anybody including your biological family does not respect that nor accept that, then you do not need them in your life. Bless you for reaching out to me today. Much Love to you, Garfield. 💕🌹💕

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  4. Amy, with all these events and conditions I think you did the right thing. Go on with what you have in life and not for what you want your life to be. Deal with what you can control and do not worry about anything else on the path.

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    1. May you be blessed for your encouragement of me, dear friend. For most of my adult life I have not had biological family in my life. But beginning with the death of my father a little over two years ago I started to try to have a relationship with one of my sisters. No, it is not to be at least right now, for my family to be in my life. As I come to acceptance of this I close the door quietly and I move forward with my own life according to me. Much love to you this day. 💕🌹💕

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  5. Amy, so sorry you are going through all this, but I like your attitude of simply moving forward. May our Creator continue to bring healing to you, especially in the majesty of nature. Peace to your spirit my friend.

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    1. Bless you, Nico. As I told someone else just now, I got back up on the horse called “camera” today and in so doing, galloped around a huge blockade called “family” in order to bring back my stability and Peace. The Forest touched me deeply today. Not too sure on my “new” technique I tried out today but … the important factor here is I’m moving ahead today. Peace to you in return, dear friend. 💞🕊💞

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    1. Dan, I got back up on the horse so to speak with my camera today and by doing so made a huge swerve to by-pass family in order to bring stability and Peace back into my life. I attempted to capture images a different way today and I’m not too sure if I like it or if I’m on a learning curve. I hesitate to publish one, but I will. I’m getting my Balance back. 🤗 (((HUGS))) Amy🌹

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    1. Thank you, Michele. This is not the first time I’ve gone without family when a death occurs. I was just so hoping that this time around family would band together. I get comfort from Mother Nature, dear friend, and my therapist called my camera. Hubby has been very supportive as well when he’s not slipping back into “old” behavior from the added loss of our Tee. I’ve also received outstanding support and Love here at by blog by all the many friends I have here. I’ve finally begun to feel Balanced today. Thank God! It’s been a LONG few months … Much Love to you! 💞

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      1. Oh we must have balance-or else!! I am so very thankful you are feeling restored. If family realised how significant they are to our well being-and theirs too. Oh well, you have found a family in friends and of course your husband and animals. I am glad of that.Have a beautiful day now and always. love Michele

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  6. Dear sweet Amy ❤ I hope your walk in the woods helped to ease your sorrow a bit. Being true to your spirit and your emotions is the path to living fully. I know you know this. I am proud of you for living this way. I wish I could send you a warm enveloping blanket of love to wrap you up safe and hold you while you cry. Emotions don't bother me. I have been around people who were bothered by them. I have been around people who were bothered by my emotions. I know how disconnecting and despairing this can be. You must spend your time around people who are at the very least kind to you. I think this is true for everyone. If they can't be kind, then they need to be away from you until they can be. I have spent time around those who were not kind to me. I had to learn that lesson over and over again before it finally sunk in. I can have compassion from a distance knowing that someone's behavior is the result of pain and not really about me. It doesn't mean I have to be their emotional punching bag. Same goes for everyone including you. Protect and nurture yourself like you were a small baby you held in your arms. Wonder at the miracle that is You! I will be praying for you and your sweet cats. May God Bless you and Keep you safe in his love. ❤ ❤ ❤

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    1. Oh sweet Sarah! My goodness the LOVE that pours forth from your words! Today I did cut the cord with family … and it feels so good. The Forest today aided me in doing this very thing. I feel the freedom this has given to me and believe me, it feels wonderful! That is the only way I can move forward … either saying goodbye or resolving something. Hubby’s behavior I know the why behind it and he’s always very remorseful when he realizes he again has slipped. I gave him a big hug today because he has been extra kind to me. He comes from a family that mocks and makes fun of those who show their emotions. He’s come a long way yet in times of stress he slips, as we all do. I know I deserve Loving caring people in my life and those who do not respect me or accept me for who I am, no longer will I tolerate them just because they are family. Beginning today those who are in my life I consider to be both friend and family and no this does not encompass bio family. I refuse to be the emotional punching bag for anyone! NO! I’ve made that clear plenty of times to many, who did not appreciate my frankness. I may have been forced to be treated unkindly and with much heartache as a child, but today I have carved a life for myself based on Love and Peace. No one and I mean no one will take that from me. Bless you for your prayers! I keep them very close to my Heart. Oh yes that Forest wrapped its arms around me and so much pain was leeched out of me and Peace given in return. I don’t know what I would do without these trees. They are my Life Savers! For the first time in months I feel as if I’m coming back to ME. Oh, Sarah!! I can feel ME again! (((HUGS))) Amy 🦋💝

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      1. I am very happy to hear you are feeling more like yourself!! ❤ Trees and forests are wonderful. Fresh air. Woods scents. Strong life force. Deep roots. All good for helping the broken heart mend. ❤ I love how it smells in the woods. I sometimes stand still and breath with my eyes closed. And listen. The rustling of the leaves. The sighing of the branches. The chirps of the birds. I hope you have a peaceful and healing night's sleep. Love and hugs. ❤ ❤ ❤

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  7. It isn’t an easy time Amy, not by a long shot. But it is guiding you to just be you, like your reply text to your sister. Just let it go. And I know that isn’t easy because you ‘do’ want that relationship with your family. But the truth behind it is those fears we keep tied to our hearts…you don’t want to be rejected by those you love, it isn’t a nice feeling.
    Understand those ‘dysfunctions’ (that we all have), see the ‘why’ they trigger your heart and how they are making you feel. It will probably have to do with how your relationship with your mom used to be. You broke that mould and stepped into your truth because you were both ready. Your other family may not be ready, but it is important that you are. Understand the why of how you feel, and remember it has taken many years of being in that place so it will take some time to remove it.
    Like with your mom, you broke through but it did take a while to really feel your ground in that journey…and the love that it allowed through the walls that were falling away between you. Just do you, and those very actions will be expressed to those around you…and it will make them think…and begin their journey.
    Love can never be forced, it must be built by the very thing we are inside. Be that love to you, and a greater teacher you cannot be ❤

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    1. Oh, Mark!!! Your words are a huge confirmation to me for just today with the help of a Forest I cut the cord with my family. They are not yet ready to open their Hearts and I will not be around to be subject to their control and mind games. It feels so good to have finally come to this point for I again feel the Freedom of Wind on my face as a new path opens up before me. That Forest today leeched out of me so much pain and sorrow and in its place gave me Peace. I knew in my Heart that I was being guided with my Mother yet with my siblings there has always been that pushing effort knowing deep down that this is just not to be at this time. I can feel ME again today, dear friend. ME. I also gave hubby some extra hugs today because after the fact he realized he slid into old familiar patterns and was very sorry for it. He’s come a long ways and he isn’t alone either about falling back into old behaviors. Oh I so do know and see my own aspects that still require assistance and it was out of Love for me that I said no to family because I have enough of my own to still work on much less taking on theirs. So much LIGHT has poured forth today!! And if my closing of the door is making my family think then good! I’m not holding my breath as I realize I am totally free of the burden I put on myself trying to get them to know Love. Oops. Not my place to do. So when or IF these people ever arrive willing to open their Hearts to Unconditional Love, they know where to find me. Until then, I continue to create my Life according to me. And do I hear a huge sigh and AMEN? YES! (((HUGS))) Amy 🤗

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      1. It’s a big journey Amy, there will be days of tears and days of forest walks. Just try to make them all yours, a no greater love can you find. And no sigh’s or Amen’s from here Amy, I’ve most certainly done what you have done…repeatedly 😀 , it’s part of the journey. And if I can find the ‘me’, I know you can too ❤
        And most certainly a very big hug to you my friend, this one is a doozy, and I can feel the brave steps from here ❤ 😀

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      2. You and I both know this journey does not end until our last breath. And even then who is to say what is beyond and what our journey shall be? All I know for today a huge release happened and I for the first time in a very long time … months…I can actually feel me again. That to me demands celebration because oh have I ever earned this one! Yippee! 👏

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      3. We are always becoming more loving of ourselves and others as we let each thing that no longer serve us go Amy, and they do take a while 😀
        And that is fantastic Amy, it would have felt like the shackles had finally let go. And yes, yippee, go Amy 😀 ❤

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    1. When it comes to “family” I’m never sure what is the “highest” and “best” response. I can say however, I really do my best. And yes thank goodness for the Forest, those Sacred Trees, where so many times I have gone in order to seek healing. I can always depend on them. Much Love to you this day, Eliza! 🍁💞

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  8. You can’t change them any more than they can change you. It is what it is and you can either let it bother you or let them go. I’m an only child and I am happy about that every single day of my life. I’ve walked away from a lot of relatives because they have a right to be them, just as I have a right to be me. That’s life. We each get to be whoever we want to be. It doesn’t bother me because I just want to be happy and I can walk away from anyone. I don’t want people to expect me to change because they don’t like who I am. I don’t expect them to change for me. But that’s just me. You have to do whatever you want to do but it seems that you haven’t been friends with them for a long time, so what has changed that would make you expect them to be different? It’s easier to live if you don’t expect anything rom anyone. Then you can be happy and free. I hope you feel better.

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    1. Gigi, you are so right, that I cannot change anyone. I can only change myself. Years ago when I had no contact with my family, a thought came through my head and that thought said that it is going to take a death for this family to finally come together as family. Unbeknownst to me it seems I have carried that thought with me throughout all these years and with the death of my father that hope came to the surface just a little bit, and then with the death of my mother that thought took a life of its own. I set myself up to be hurt because now and just a little time that has passed, I see that these people called my family are still so stuck in their own stuff and not able to accept me for who I am. I am the last person to say that I am perfect please don’t get me wrong! It is a fact however, I do work very hard at addressing the aspects of myself that I know need to be changed and so with everything within me I do it or at least, I do try. As I closed the door yesterday very quietly and calmly, I knew in my heart the they will continue to be who they are and I have every right to be who they are, and I will continue to be who I am because I have every right to be who I am. It feels so good not to be so torn up inside over wanting family to finally be family. It’s just not going to happen. My life may be small right now yet those people who are in my life are true friends and true family. It feels so good getting back to me. Much Love to you today! 💕🌹💕

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      1. Your life isn’t small. The number of people in our lives don’t make out lives big or small. Not really. Our lives are as big as our open minds. Huge, even when we are alone. 🙂 The trick is not to make others so important to our lives that we get caught up in never ending circles. Everything just is and the only true thing is how we live our own lives. None of it matters unless we say it does. Often times we think that what we wish for would be give us what we imagine but that’s not always the case. If your family changed, different problems might arise or you wouldn’t like the way it turned out in the long run. You have your photography and your beloved cats. Husband too:) And imagine what the world would be like if we each tried to make others into who we wanted them to be. LOL No one would ever be anyone because each person would want another person to be different and that one person could never be a thousand different people, that’s why we just get to be ourselves. It would be like those films where a different face appears every second because not two people would want the same thing from anyone. Just have to walk away or accept people for who they are. Anything else is a waste of time. The test is to ask ourselves, if we would change for the other person. I use reading…if you try and get someone to read and they won’t…would I stop reading because someone wanted me to stop. NO, absolutely not. And what we each feel is right or wrong, isn’t right or wrong to someone else. It’s a no-win situation. Hugs and happy energy to you Amy.

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      2. Then if that is the case, Gigi, my life is huge! I have an extremely open-mind and very very open heart. My life may seem small too many, as in number of people in it, but I have done and am doing great and mighty things with not only myself but with those I love who are in my life. I agree with you that it’s all in the perspective of seeing. I have accepted my bio family for who they are because I have no right whatsoever to even try to change them. That would more or less be like hitting myself on the head with a brick and I will not do that. Only they are responsible for changing themselves. As I have said many times I am creating my life according to me and according to no one else. Many do not understand yet many do. It is a win-win situation for me. Because I have arisen and still rising from the ashes of Huge Horror that I was subjected to as a child and am learning how to live the rest of my life in love and in peace. Have a great Sunday today, dear friend. 💖

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  9. Unfortunately Amy I had to learn long time ago that people are who the are and we have no control over that. A couple of years in therapy twenty years ago taught me that we don’t get to choose our families. I work with hundreds/ thousands of people and I can tell you that there’s not one of those families without dysfunction. Some people are just in denial. So my dear, live your life and accept the love of those who choose to share their lives and love with you. My Trust has been cut down to my son and his family. We can’t live our lives for people who choose to be miserable and hateful. Just know that you are nowhere near alone in this.

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    1. I know what you say is true but still I allowed myself the “hope” that finally my family would begin to bond rather then separate. I’ve been very careful who I allow into my personal space because I have worked so hard at undoing the dysfunction I was taught as a child, and still am to this day. I do live my life according to me and it feels so good. My life like yours has gotten small, yet the people who are in my life are truly genuine and Loving and beautiful! This post was not easy for me to write, yet my Heart guided me to do because I knew many could relate to what I had experienced. May you have a great weekend!! 🍁💞

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  10. It is petty to play power games, and good on you keeping a level had about all of this. So sorry to hear about your relations with your biological family. As you mentioned, you have reasons to not have close relations with them. Sometimes, people can just be very different and we won’t get along as much as we want to. We might not be able to choose our biological family, but we can choose those who we want to be with and those who will hold a torch for us.

    You can do what you want in your own home, and though your husband may not like your crying, I’m inclined to think that he respects you as a person. Hard times are hard time and we all have different ways of coping, and different lengths to deal with it as well.

    ‘I’m working with what I have in my life and not what I want my life to be. And so it is.’ Yes, you do that. Much love to you. Hugs ❤

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    1. Mabel, family has not been in my life for a long time yet with the death of both parents I had “hoped” circumstances would change. They have not. I continue my life according to me and not look back. As for hubby, he knew he had back slid into “old” behavior and apologized for it later on. He is dealing with the loss of one of our “kids” so the compounded pain of loosing my Mom along with one of our cats is devastating. It is times such as these that “old familiar” behavior pops up and we slide back into dysfunction. It takes a long time to correct that behavior. Much Love right back at you, Mabel. 💞

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  11. Amy. My heart goes out to you. It is so hard when you have tried to bring your family closer you are still having a painful relationship. Sometimes we have to just stop letting them use us to vent there anger or whatever they are experiencing. I’m glad you are letting your feelings out and hope that soon you won’t be hurt by their actions. Be strong sweet Amy. Sending many hugs to you ❤

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    1. Thank you, Holly, for your encouragement again. I know how unhealthy it is to keep emotions squelched deep down inside of you so that being said I will no longer do that. I also as of yesterday took it upon myself to close the family door quietly and calmly so that I can now move forward with the rest of my life. My bio family is not welcomed in my personal life and that is the way it will remain until they can show me they are capable of opening their their hearts and growing up. I have many friends and people who I consider family who are not of my biological blood. These are my two Treasures in life. I am grabbing back my life with gusto and with the change of attitude from tears to Smiles I am astonished at how much strength I have gained through this nightmare. Much love to you, dear friend. 💕🌹💕

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  12. I hear you Amy. The walks in the woods bring a calmness and energy that washes the ‘junk’ away I feel. Only in surrounding oneself with love, enlightened others who are supportive not destructive do we feel safe. hugs.

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    1. You would understand, Debi. Nature is where I feel the “God-Connection” the strongest and clearest. Is is when I am with the Sacred Trees that real healing takes place. In fact, I am due on account of the day I’ve had today. Probably tomorrow will find me in a forest again. And yes being with those who lift us up, not tear us down, is vitally important especially during difficult times. Many HUGS back at you!!! 💖

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  13. I feel this. A similar pang of Don’t I Deserve Compassion?
    Last week my in-laws popped in, my MIL says, “Joey, you’ve got so many new plants!”
    “Funeral planters,” I said.
    “Oh,” said she.
    Not a single sorry from them has been given to me since my father passed in July. Apparently, only deaths in their own family count.

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    1. Ah, Joey, I am so sorry your mother-in-law treated you like that. That scenario is just too familiar in my family and my husband’s family so my heart really does go out to you. BIG HUGS!!! 💕💖💕

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  14. Healing is something which takes time. Do not hold onto the negative things which come your way by others, just think about what would the Lord do, forgive and your healing will continue to be blessed. Hugs and blessings my sister to you and your Husband!

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    1. I so do agree with you, Wendell. I’m still in the forgiving and letting go stage regarding a certain situation in my life and along with grieving, it has stages. I truly understand and I say I forgive but the “niggles” are still there. With each niggle I stop and embrace them until I feel only Love again. HUGS right back to you, dear brother!! Have a wonderful day! 💞

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    1. Yesterday for more then 2 hours just wandering in awe and just could not stop snapping. I was in Fall Heaven. The smells and the colors and the ambiance …. just all took me away. Hubby was getting worried cause I lost track of time …. I got lost in the forest. I managed to get home safely. LOL

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