Honesty is my policy. It’s taken me many years to attain this state for honesty was not taught to me. Then it happened. I lied, or what I had considered to be a lie.
The degree of mourning and confusion in this house is massive with all 13 cats in shock over Tee’s sudden death. And that is not counting Mom and Dad.
My husband has this habit of informing me he is going somewhere moments before he walks out the door. That is not very responsible and yes it is very frustrating for me. He did this yesterday morning. I could not believe that even he knowing I would be gone hiking, would still leave this house to see a friend of his.
I had spoken to him the day before telling him I had to go hiking the next day. Yes I am responsible. I also told him I don’t feel comfortable that both of us are gone from this house at the same time on account of what these cats are suffering right now. He insisted however on going regardless.
Hubby left. Within one hour after he did I left, headed for my favorite forest. I was so upset that hubby was displaying what I thought to be his “selfish tendencies” at a time like this. He has done this so many times in the past which of course did not help my anger one bit. I hit the trail, not knowing if I could do it having legs that felt so weak and filled with pain, and lungs that did not appreciate being forced to breathe hard. Yet I pushed on. My Heart was telling me how extremely important right now was to start getting me back together again. There was no other option for this hike but to do it.
About the time hubby told me he would return home, I texted him to please go home if he already had not done so. I received no answer. I became angry again. I waited giving him the benefit of doubt that perhaps he had not seen my text. I let 20 minutes go by before I decided to again text him. It was one word.
By that I meant “Wow, I am shocked you are not even thinking about our babies while you are having fun with your friend.” I assumed this was the case. Again I was basing my “reaction” on what he has done so many times in past years. Suddenly I received a text from hubby asking me what I meant by wow and that he had come home at about the time I had texted him.
OMG! The man really did follow through with his word. Could it be he’s finally understanding the concept of what you say you do?
I definitely was in the wrong about what I had assumed hubby was doing. Darn it I allowed the past to dictate to me my emotional response. I asked myself, “Do I tell him the truth about why I wrote “wow” or do I say something else?” I really thought long and hard about it. Hubby and I haven’t been getting along lately with just too much pain between the two of us. And I did not want to take a chance to pour more oil on the fire.
Friction and sparks and jabs and anger. OH how I wanted this to stop.
So I lied. I texted hubby I had a “feeling” he had come home and I was so proud that he was a big enough person to put his kids first before himself. Here he is “finally” displaying adult behavior and I just had to reinforce it … And because of that lie, when I did arrive home after a very challenging hike, the tension between hubby and I was lessened. I breathed such a huge sigh of relief that for the time being hubby and I were not acting like two boxers in a ring.
I ask you. Is what I did considered a lie? From where I am in life, my answer is no. I acted in a way that I thought to be the Highest Good. These strict barriers between what is a lie and what is not is becoming blurred to me. I will say this right out, that I’m glad I told hubby what I did in the Moment I did so.
The Truth came out the following day when I knew hubby was in a better place. I told him what I did and why and I asked for his forgiveness. Yet, would I again “lie” IF the Moment called for it? Yes I would. Would you?
Photography/ “When Is A Lie Not A Lie?”/ Oct. 2017©AmyRose
Photographs taken at Chestnut Ridge Park, NY.